reasons

old me

me writing this now I'm tearing up.. 

when i moved to delaware was the day that my world came tumbling down .. it was the day that i knew i was never going to be able to see my family anymore .. the day where i knew i cant be able to find who i am .. but i was wrong ..

when my dad told me and my sisters that we weren't going to live with him anymore i didnt think much of it .. after 9-10 years living in delaware i thought it was great going back to massachusetts .. that is until five months later i moved with my aunt in massachusetts .. i was put into a foster home .. the struggle that i face now kills me more and more each day .. 

And here's how it started ..

i lived with my grandmother and my grandfather and my mom and dad when i was a baby. then 4-6 years later we moved to delaware. i hated my dad so much for it. i thought he was taking me away from my mom and my family .. when in reality he was saving me from them .. he was my hero and i realized 9 years later .. 9 years too late .. my whole life i was thinking my dad hated me and he hated the fact that he had to take care of three kids by himself .. but he didnt never did he just had a hard time. 

after i turned 12 he sent me and my sisters to live with my Aunt. That was the worst idea he ever had .. my dad thought it was best for us .. but reality it wasnt we were even worse. we behaved like animals we never knew how to behave, we never knew what was wrong from right .. 

6 months later 

we were on our way to delaware again .. back to living with my father .. i was so happy to see my dad it was the best feeling in the world .. a year later when i turned 13 i was bestfriends with my dad. i told him everything .. we were inseperable that is until my father started letting his other girls into our life ..

For me that killed me i started self harming .. i didnt care about nothing anymore .. i lost control of myself i didnt think anything couold save me .. i tried killing myself .. i drank a whole two bottles of prescriptions that my dad had in the bathroom .. and i continued to cut .. i continued to beat myself up .. i thought that was the end. i started getting sick so i thought if i took a shower and sit in the burning water it would go away. but five minutes into the shower i threw up .. i asked myself why .. why did i throw up my suicide .. why didnt i just die .. 

my older sister begged me to go to church with her .. she wanted to show me what real love felt like .. i always rejected her .. hated the fact of going to church .. but when i finally started going i loved it .. it was my only escape from real life .. one day i decided to get prayed for so i went up to the altar .. my pastor came up to me looked at me and said "samantha your the strongest girl i've layed my eyes on the struggle you went through while you were younger and the struggle yuor still going through makes you a brave girl. im going tell you to close your eyes. " i closed my eyes and put my arms up  he said " pretend that the hand that is on your heart is God ..." i did he then said "God is speaking to you know not me anymore " i nodded my head and said ok.. "samantha come to me dont hurt yourself anymore.. i want you to go on your knees and pray to me for help dont hurt yourself because that what the devil wants you to do .. he wants power over you and im not going to let happen.. " i started crying i had nothing else to do i fell on my knees and i let it all out i never told anyone about my suicide attempt i never told anyone of my self harm.. 

and here i was crying my eyes out because GOD finally returned my pleads he finally heard me .. that was the day i knew God was real .. that was the day i stopped .. the day i moved on from the past .. the day i moved on from my mistakes .. the day i realized my life is way to valuable to be thrown away like that ..since that day on i kept strong .. since that day i never gave up .. until now ..