reasons

i thought this would have been my new beginning.

I thought i had a second chance to turn my life around moving to massachusetts set a trigger to my head .. 

i never knew going back would hurt so much .. here i am again..

i moved back to massachusetts when i was 14 .. on july twenty-something .. it's december 21 .. in those six months i've been here makes me wants to go back to the old me ..

august 18 was my grandmoms birthday the same day my sister left me .. the ssame day that she beat me up .. the same day that i knew we wont ever be the same again .. the same day i knew that she was going to hate me for the rest of my life .. 

i lived with my aunt for 4 1/2 months then i couldnt do it anymore i couldnt kepp living there .. it was hell .. it was my grave honestly .. 

i thought my dad leaving me behind was a good sign but it wasn't ..

one day i got tired of everything i called my dad and i told my dad that i wanted to go back with him i wanted my bestfriend .. you know what he told me ? he said "no i dont want you to live with me anymore .. you lost your chances i tried so hard with you guys .. what did i get in return hatred i got you guys walking over me fighting and and beating eachother up .. i cant do it anymore .. i lost everything in delaware i lost my house and my job im in texas now i cant take none of that back not now ..." 

when he told me that i died inside .. it killed me so much .. i lost so much hope .. so much faith in my life .. but i tried so hard to not let it get to my heart i tried to not self harm i tried to not kill myself .. and i didnt do it .. i was so strong .. i was so proud of myself .. 

thats when i started school .. i met a couple of people .. i met him ..

we started talking .. we were becoming an item .. but then we started arguing how i kept rushing things .. but i never did at least i didnt try .. i thought he was perfect .. but then he did it he hurt me .. so i thought of doing it back to him .. i got my bestfriend to flirt with him him .. but that was my worst mistake ever .. that there was when my world turned to bad to even worse .. he found out about what i was doing he hated me so much .. it hurt me so bad at the moment i thought it would be a good idea to do it but then later i thought about it and thats when iknew then and there i done fucked up .. my bestfriend amya and i told him and he hated me so much .. when i told him it was all my idea she was just doing me a favor he hated me more and he stayed talking to her he stayed telling her everything .. 

me and him talked for months and him and her talked for like a month and he told her everything about him .. while i was there suffering i didnt even know he had a brother .. i didn't know much about him .. while she knew more than me .. guess what she stayed flirting with him knowing that i still carried feeling for him .. and guess what else? he fell in love with her and she doesnt even like him .. 

i said sorry so many times to him hoping one day he could forgive me .. after 2-3 weeks he did and when he did i didnt care anymore .. and i told him that he doesnt matter to me anymore and that he can stop texting me and go away .. we talked on the phone for two hours .. two hours of me telling him over and over how much i hated him .. how much he made me suffer and for him to pretend like we never happened like i never existed ..

do you know what that feels like to not mean anything to someone that means the world to you ..?

i told him everything .. but i dont even know why .. i knew he was gonna hurt me like the others did and me being stupid trusted him anyway .. 

i'm still bestfriends with amya she is the only person that i really care about and i really cant stay mad at her .. 

during the time that this was happening i was kicked out my aunts house and i was put into a foster home .. i thought things would get better until i realized you cant trust nobody doesn't matter who they are .. 

to this day i know things will never be the same at least not here in massachusetts so .. now im waiting for my dad to send me back to Delaware with my fake mom .. but shes like my real mom .. i cant wait to go back !