Deep In A Dream

Chapter I

Rain. He hates it.

For some unknown reason it never seems to rain when Dan isn't feeling miserable.

It's funny, his English teacher would talk about pathetic fallacy all the time when he was younger - countless questions were asked about it's definition, and although he knew how important weather was to the atmosphere of many novels, he never really considered that it could apply to his life in such a real way.

Dan's aware that thinking the weather can somehow change depending on how he feels isn't rational, and he knows that the fact it's raining right now is just a coincidence, but sometimes just as a melancholy thought enters his mind, he'll hear the faint tap of a raindrop on the roof, or maybe even some distant thunder, reminding him that maybe the world understands. The weather often mirroring Dan's mood has made him consider that fate could be real - unless he was living in a simulation of course, but that's never a safe road to go down, especially when he feels like the smallest breeze could cause his emotional walls to collapse.

The weather is particularly sorrowful tonight. The violent showers echo through the darkness of the apartment from where the individual droplets of water hit the roof, allowing Dan to immerse himself in the somewhat comforting sound. It's always been nice to have something constant, something familiar on nights like these - nights where even the most minute change can send his mind into a frenzy, he needs something to help him keep a grip on reality. And sometimes that grip is just the steady beat of rain on the rooftop. Sometimes it's his cat, but she seems to have been stolen by Dan's flatmate without his permission, so for now he only has the distant London lights and midnight showers to keep him company while his brain becomes a darkening abyss.

Realistically, Dan knows he could just go and knock on his flatmate's door. Phil would be more than happy to sit with him in the lounge silently watching something shitty on Netflix, just to prevent Dan from feeling as lonely as he is. This hollow feeling hasn't happened for a while though, at least not to the extent of insomnia, and Dan knows that the second he taps his knuckles against that door, Phil will not stop asking him about his mental health for at least a fortnight. And honestly the thought of putting Phil through even more anxiety over Dan would just add guilt to the abundance of negative emotions he's feeling anyway without his company.

The rain still beats softly on the apartment roof, but Dan has given up trying to collect his thoughts. Often feeling like this isn't because of anything in particular, it's just an emotion - more like a mix of emotions really, and not many of the positive ones either. Dan knows there's not a lot he can do to make himself feel better except for practising basic self care during the day and waiting it out when the sun falls. The 'waiting it out' strategy hasn't really worked tonight though, and it would be a lot more beneficial to Dan if he just fell asleep, considering at this point it's so late it barely counts as night anyway. He might still get a couple of hours in before Phil comes knocking at his door asking him to do something grossly domestic like taking out the bins, or fetching some milk, or making him breakfast. Going to sleep is a lot easier said than done though, and Dan has been trying for the past four hours but the dull ache of anxiety in his stomach combined with the throbbing in the back of his head hasn't been helpful.

It takes almost another hour of more silent contemplation before Dan gives in and decides to just start his day. It may only be six am, and he might not have slept at all last night, but that's nothing a large amount caffeine can't fix. Maybe he'll even go out and get some good coffee from the Starbucks across the street. Maybe. He just needs to find the motivation to actually get out of bed first, that always seems to be the deciding factor as to how his day will go. Every morning Dan gets up, either the empty pit in his stomach fades, or he just continues with it in the slightest hope that tomorrow he'll feel better. Considering the current circumstances Dan's not expecting the former - at least he and Phil aren't working today, Dan doesn't know how he'll manage to put on a convincing smile for the cameras.