Limerence

04

The most awaited moment of the day for Emily has finally come. As Emily is getting closer to Matthew's house, her heart is pounding. Being with Matthew for the past two months seems heaven-like, and it is truly a dream come true for her. Being noticed by Matthew is all she wants, but this is beyond what she asked for and she can't express how much happiness it brought to her. But now that it comes to this, her feelings beginning to be unrestrained and all the inevitable silly ideas that comes to her mind such as, what if Matthew will like her back eventually? What if the chance of her and Matthew being together is highly possible to happen? She doesn't know what to do anymore, should she confess, or should she just enjoy the friendship Matthew can offer? She's so confused to the point that when Matthew called her name because she passed by their house already, she didn't hear him.

Matthew had to run to catch up to her, and when he finally grabbed a hold of her, panted for a while and asked "Hey, Emily. What's wrong with you? I've been shouting your name numerous times and yet you still didn't stop. What are you up to lately? You've been like that since last week. I can't get your attention like before. Are you okay?"

Emily was dumbfounded by what Matthew said. Can't get my attention like before?  Am I that easily attached to him? When Emily realized she's spacing out again in front of Matthew, she finally spoke and said "It's nothing. Where's your house? Sorry, I didn't know I already passed it by."

"It's okay, it's just a few blocks away. We could walk and talk along the way. Mum made dinner. Are you a fan of pasta?" Emily, trying to act normal, said, "Are you?"

"Hell yeah I am! What's your favorite? Mine's carbonara," Emily's heart started beating fast again. It's like going to explode. That's also her favorite. What's with this? They have too many similarities. It's like the whole world is asking her what's stopping her from loving Matthew.

They reached the doorstep and as soon as the door opened, a woman of approximately age 47 was waiting for them. Emily supposed this must be his Mother.

"Hello, Emily! It's so nice to finally meet you. Come have a sit and a refreshments first, dinner will be ready in a minute or so. Do you like cookies?"

Emily, being shy and everything, gave her a nod and a slight smile. Before Matthew's mother go back, she gave Emily a hug and smiled at her again.

Matthew asked her to sit down but before she could, she noticed a huge bookshelf with lots and lots of books. It's the normal bookshelf, but it looks astounding as to how many books it holds.

"These must be your book collection?" Emily asked.

"Yeah, that's the one. Look, Harry Potter series is on top and they're all hardbound. I don't want it to get ruined. Take a look and pick a book to your liking. I don't mind sharing them as long as it's you," Matthew answered and smiled again.

Emily couldn't contain her composure anymore. This stupid admiration. Love. Whatever you call this. I am so not liking it anymore. Emily thought to herself again. 

She took a deep breath. She's been thinking about this for a couple of days now, and if she don't tell him soon, all of this will be buried and forgotten. This is now the perfect chance Emily's been waiting for. It's now or never. She said.

"Matthew, I have something to tell you,"

Matthew, browsing his shelf for some book Emily might like, is surprised at the seriousness of Emily's voice.

"What is it, Emy? Is something bothering you?"

"Yes. It's you,"

"Me? What?"

"I don't need you to talk back. I need you to listen to me. Just plainly listen,"

"Okay." Matthew replied, looking dejected.

"I like you," Emily paused, seeing the reaction on Matthew's face. His eyes are wide open.

"It's you. It has always been you. It's you from the start. I spent my stupid high school years admiring you from afar. And now that I got the chance to become your friend, my feelings for you became uncontrollable and the next thing I know I don't see you as a friend anymore. I don't know how to control them anymore. These past four years, I never wanted anything but for you to notice me. Now that fate's given me beyond that, I am forever grateful from the bottom of my heart. Matthew," She paused, and took a deep breath, and asked. "Do you, in any chance, like me too?" she closed her eyes as she said this.

"Emy, I.." Emily, still closing her eyes, knew the answer already.

"Emily," Matthew called her. She slowly opened her eyes and as soon as she did, she regret opening it. She saw on Matthew's eyes the sympathy towards her feelings. 

Ah, this is bullshit. I should go before I totally break in here. Emily said to herself. 

Without waiting for Matthew's response, Emily immediately walked away from him.

"Emily!" Matthew shouted back. She walked faster.

"Emily, wait!" She's now walking and running at the same time.

"Emily, wait up!" Matthew shouted even louder. To Emily, all she wanted was to get away from that situation as fast as she could. Her tears are starting to form up, and a single word from Matthew, she knows she'll finally lose it.

"Emily," Matthew grabbed her arms. Emily felt something wet at her skin. At first she thought Matthew was crying, until she realized rain is slowly pouring down.

"Emily. Look at me, please," This is the first time that Emily sensed desperation on Matthew's voice.

"Just say whatever you need to say. I'm listening," Emily said without looking at him because she is silently crying now, together with the flowing rain now getting them all soaked.

Matthew took a deep sigh and said "I'm sorry. I don't want to hurt you. Truly I don't! I didn't know you like me, even before!" Matthew paused as he saw Emily's shoulder moving up and down. He knows she is already crying. He let her go.

"I'm really sorry, Emy. I think of you as a friend. A great friend. You're like a sister to me. Had I known you like me, I wouldn't come near you because I don't want you to get hurt by someone like me. I'm really sorry, I can't reciprocate the feelings you had for me. I can't say anything but I'm really, really sorry. Emily, please look at me," Matthew begged her. He really wanted to hug her, but he knows it will do no good. He could not see her face, but he knows tears were streaming down her cheeks. Emily is crying and she's suppressing all of it. Matthew did not want Emily to have a hard time like this. To him, Emily is a precious friend he did not want to lose.

Finally, Emily faced Matthew. Matthew wasn't surprised by the look on her face, all he wants to do now is for Emily to stop crying. For him, he isn't worth Emily's tears. It's visible even under the pouring rain, her eyes are already puffed and red.

"Do you know how many times I wanted to hold your hand whenever we're reading a book together? Do you know how many times I looked into your smiling eyes and wished you were mine? Do you know how much I wanted to know what it was like to have your arms around me? Do you know how much I wanted to kiss you whenever you entice me with your stirring words of wisdom, how our thoughts are so much connected to each other? You don't, do you? Because I always suppressed it inside me. You don't know because I fought myself not to do it. Now I hate myself for confessing this stupid feelings. I even regret coming to your house now. I regret looking forward for this evening. I regret everything I did tonight. But don't worry. For me, the friendship we had was the best feeling in this world. Universe is generous enough to let me experience it. Don't worry, this won't do any harm to our friendship. We're still going to be friends. No awkwardness. I promise. Thank you, Matthew. I'm going to go now," and as she said this, she immediately walked away from Matthew.