One Big Risk ~ A Harry Styles Fanfiction

CHAPTER 12

b“Kaylee’s POV”

  “I’m so sorry, for everything. I don’t remember half of the shit I’ve done, and that’s the worst part of it. I..I..I don’t know what happened, why I got into drugs, I’m just so disappointed in myself, I wasted your whole childhood”, my mom sobs hugging me.

  “Shhh…shhhhh… don’t cry”, I say sitting on her bed beside her.

  The thing is I love her. I love this mom that’s been hidden deep inside. But that doesn’t mean that the past is gone. She basically ruined half of my life. She abused me, made me feel worthless. She is the reason I don’t smile anymore. She is the reason I don’t trust anymore. She is the reason I am not me.

  She rubs my hair. “Look how beautiful you are. Look how big you are, my little girl all grown up, I let al the time pass by. I took you for granted Sunshine, I am so sorry”, she whispers.

 I cringe as she says my childhood nick name. My mom used to call me Sunny or Sunshine because I was the light in her world. She used to tell me she loved me more than anything in the whole universe. Obviously she didn’t love me enough. She doesn’t deserve to call me that anymore. Sunshine has no meaning.

“You look a lot better Elena”, I say.

  I just can’t call her mom. She never acted like one.

 Her chin trembles as she smiles, and readjusts her shirt. “I feel a lot better. It was a struggle, I was so disobedient in the beginning, but I realized I had to change. I changed for you, for Mandy. When I saw you go off to college with Paulina, I knew you wouldn’t come back, and if you did… it wouldn’t be for me. I can’t believe everything I let happen to you. I love you”, she looks down.

  “Elena I’m sorry to say this but I did love you, yet I hated you more than anything in the world, I lost my innocence to an old fucker because you let him do it. You were right there and you let him. You don’t love me, bullshit. Even if you did, obviously not more than your drugs. Austin died because you..you…you fucking gave him drugs. Its all your fault. Mandy doesn’t have a mom because you can’t step up to the plate. And worst of all, I had to go home every single day of my life scared, scared that the one person I trusted the most would hit me, would hurt me. So you know what, I loved you. I did. But I don’t know anymore, how do you expect me to love the person who ruined my life?” I scream, getting worked up.

I know I was over reacting but how could she sit here and tell me she loves me. “I’m sorry Kaylee, I am. I don’t know what else to say… I don’t have a time machine. I can’t go back in time and change things, but if I could I would. The drugs got worse after Aus died, you think it didn’t kill me waking up everyday knowing it MY fault my son is dead…it did. I can’t do anything about the past but I can tell you that I’m going to spend every day for the rest of my life regretting everything I did to you kids, and I hope that you realize that”, she raises her voice, and I flinch waiting for a hit, but nothing comes.

 “I’m not going to hurt you anymore” she says rubbing my arm.

  I nod.

  “I can’t stress how sorry I am for what I’ve done, I wasn’t in my right mind and I know that no excuse. But, now that my head is screwed on right I’m going to spend every second making it up to you… making it better.”

 I listen to everything my mother says.

  I sigh. “I can forgive you, but I will never forget. I’m giving you one last chance, not for you, but for dad, and for Mandy, for myself, and most of all for Austin. I know this is what he would’ve wanted me to do. Things won’t ever be how they used to, don’t expect me to be caring and loving, you screwed that up a long time ago. But I will try, and if one thing goes wrong on your part… you will never hear from me again. We clear?”