What If...?

Chapter Three

We were all sitting around the table, enjoying a feast when I clinked my spoon against my glass. Hannah smiled up at me. She stood up and took my hand. I stood up with her.

"We have a little announcement to make," she said. 

Annabelle, her girlfriend Maggie, Jacob, Elise, my mom, Hannah's dad, and her sister Heather all smiled up at us.

"We're having twins!" we said together. Everybody cheered and clapped. Her dad kissed Hannah on the cheek, and we all got nice big hugs. 

Nobody had noticed Hannah's stomach because she was wearing one of those huge ugly Christmas sweaters, but now people were feeling her belly and exclaiming how 'they knew it!' all along. 

Hannah's POV

Christmas dinner melted into a Christmas after party, and soon people went home. It was just Jasper and I left. I touched the beautiful diamond necklace that Jasper had bought me. I felt one hand on my waist, and he pulled me into a kiss. 

Still kissing, we managed to stumble our way to the bedroom and we collapsed on our bed. Jasper brushed his lips along my collarbone, and I held him close to me. His lips locked onto mine again, and we continued like this for some time until my shirt was off and so was his. He undid my bra and continued kissing me, our lips moving together in perfect synchronization. 

I loved him so much, and I couldn't bear it any longer. 

"I need to tell you," I gasped out. "What happened."

"What?" he inquired, sitting back, but keeping a hand on my waist. 

Tears fell down my cheeks, and I swiped at them, but it was no use. A river of tears rushed down my face, and he held me to him, but I pushed him away, not deserving his affection. 

"Please tell me what it is," he said, wiping at my face. "I hate to see you like this."

I sniffled and tugged on a piece of my hair. "I- Well... you know that w-when I was s-sixteen, I- I thought I w-was pregnant. And I t-told you I read the t-test wrong, b-but I didn't. It was positive, and I went to D-Dr. Robertson, and he t-told me I w-was pregnant." I took a staggering breath and sniffled. I felt Jasper stroking my arm, and regret boiled up inside me. Everything would be different after this. But I couldn't stop now.

"And... I w-was going to t-tell you, but I was so ashamed and I thought you would leave me. So... I w-went to the abortion clinic, and I- I- I-" I sobbed heavily. "I killed our baby."

Jasper stopped stroking my arm. His hand recoiled, and I wept from the lack of touch. 

"You - you were pregnant?"

I nodded, sobbing even harder. 

"We would have a thirteen year-old child now if it weren't for you? I can't even wrap my mind around this."

I couldn't bring myself to speak through the tears flowing down my face. 

"Why didn't you tell me? We could have talked it through! We could have - made it work!"

I looked up at him. "You think I don't know that? You think I don't wake up sobbing in the middle of the night, remembering what I did? I will never forget that!"

We sat in silence for a moment, and I knew he wasn't able to formulate words describing just how mad he was. 

When he finally spoke, his voice was deathly quiet. "Did you really not trust me enough to tell me that I had a child? I didn't get a say?"

"I was scared, okay? I was terrified! How could I face anybody, let alone you?"

"I don't believe this."

"I'm sorry," I whimpered pitifully. 

"I need some air," he said, getting up and storming out of the room. I clutched the pendant around my neck and wept.

Jasper's POV

I left the room as fast as I could, my mind reeling. I went out to our balcony and put my head in my hands, my fingernails digging into my skin. 

How could she do this to me? How could Dr. Robertson not have told me? Is this what she meant when she said not being able to have kids was her fault? It was her fault. It was all her fault!

I couldn't believe it. I could have been a father by now. Maybe even a few times over. I wonder if our baby would have been a boy or a girl. Our dead baby. Tears leaked out of my eyes, but I willed myself to be strong. 

Okay. Look at it from her point of view. You're a sixteen-year-old girl. Extremely smart. Straight A's. Suddenly, in one test you see your future slip away. Your job, your entire life: just gone. You think about what you can do. You can tell the guy who knocked you up, and risk your relationship, or you can go to the doctor and get an abortion. Then you can go on living your life, continue dating your boyfriend, grow up, go to University, get a good job, get married, and then consider having kids. 

But she should have known! She should have known that I would never leave her.

Well, I wouldn't now.

But what about when I was seventeen? Sure, I always wanted kids, and of course I loved her... but would I have been able to man up and marry her? Or would I have ducked out and continued on with my life?

I moaned, running my fingers through my hair. I turned around and went back inside, closing the door to our balcony behind me. I was cold from the December air, and my mind was cleared. I walked into our bedroom to find Hannah holding her face in her hands, her knees curled up to her chest.

I sat down on the bed beside her and she rocked with the mattress, but her face stayed covered. I touched her arm gently with the back of my finger. She jumped at the chill of my touch, but kept her face hidden behind her hands and knees. I stroked her arm until I managed to take hold of one of her hands. I kissed it softly, and she twitched, her face turning away from me. 

"I love you," I whispered. "I'm sorry." 

She turned her head so that she was looking into my eyes. She looked completely broken, and my heart ached for her. I couldn't imagine what she had gone through.

I wrapped her small body in a tight embrace and her nails dug into my back. She clutched me to her like I was her world, and if she let go she would be lost forever. Her head fit into my shoulder and I could feel my bare skin becoming wet with tears. 

I kissed her temple and cradled her to me. I'm not sure how much time passed; an hour? Maybe two. All I knew was that she was safe and I forgave her. 

She shook like a leaf and knew I needed to protect her from anything. I was always supposed to be on her side. The moment when I turned on her, both our worlds snapped. I needed her, and she needed me. 

After a long time, we lay gently down, her face still pressed against my skin, and we fell asleep, wrapped in each other's arms.