I don't smile when I think of my partner, I get nervous, getting a twinge of nausea. The only time I actually shake, breath heavy, squint my eyes shut, cover my mouth, hunch over when I cry now is when it's about him and it's the middle of the night when I'm alone. My best friend is the only person I can really go to now, I ask her for help with almost anything because the rate of my brain function has gone down. I've degraded so much. He removed his mask, letting me see his true nature and I'm letting it destroy me. I'm crying at the moment, I'm in my feelings and I've been crying and typing since 11 something, it's 1 in the morning now. I'm staying with him because I don't want to leave him to feel whatever pain he's going through alone, I don't want to give him such a negative first relationship, I'm waiting it out until quarantine is over and we hang out some, but I just feel empty or nervous when I think about him. Whenever he gets upset I begin thinking about everything, the first heartbreak, my first time breaking another's heart, and the pain I'm in and the pain I'm causing my boyfriend if I'm causing him any. My heart is slowly breaking, it's almost our five month anniversary, and I'm sitting here breaking down from the months of issues and damage I and him have endured, the damage I've caused others and remembering everything that's happened to me. I'm not depressed, I'm not gonna claim I am until I have a professional tell me so (which it is very unlikely I have it), but I do need help. I need a professional to talk to me, I've just been numb and in pain at the same time, I get extreme moments of sadness, like right now. I get so down and recently I've had to drag myself out of bed after laying there for hours, not even on my phone, just thinking. My mother and stepdad don't know what's going on except me telling my mom that my boyfriend is ignoring me because he's mad that my friends came over. She's told me to break up with him. Coach, what do I do? What would you tell me to do? What do I do? How do I fix things? How do I apologize to my first boyfriend? How do I get myself over the pain from my first heartbreak? How do I come to not hate the words, "I love you"? I wish you were here so we could talk about it, so you could tell me what to do, so we could pray about it and help give me some guidance and comfort.
The sad part of all of this is that this is not even a fraction of the pain that most other people go through, I'm being such a selfish baby about everything but it hurts, I don't know how to handle it. I need help. I don't wanna hurt anymore, I don't want anyone else to hurt anymore. I want to fix everything but I feel hopeless with no sense of direction, no guide. God, what do I do? I need help, do I open up to my parents and ask to get professional help? Do I break up with him? How would I do it? What would I tell him? How do I get over my heartbreak? How do I apologize for breaking my first boyfriend's heart? Do I even apologize? I need help.
