Slashed

PROLOGUE

warning: self harm

"Why? w-why me?! Please just give me a break!" I shouted, not so loud, but I shouted at the sky while tears were dripping down my face.

"P-please." My back was now slowly sliding down the wall until i sat down. My right hand gripped a pocket knife while the left wrist was ready to be slashed. I was going to do it. I had enough of everything. The pain inside me was to much to bare, i tried to forget the past year and everything that went wrong but the scar was too deep and everytime I cried like this those memories keep coming back.

Not until one of my classmates saw me. I thought I was hidden from the rest of the school. I thought I was alone. As I saw her, i jumped, now putting the knife on display.

"Liz?! what are you doing?? Omg! put the knife down!" She screamed softly at me, cautiously walking closer to me.

More tears flooded my eyes. Crap! This wasn't supposed to happen. "Please g-go away. You didn't see me, go back to c-class please.." was all I managed to say, the knife still ready to cut.

"Liz please! you can talk to me, just put the knife down! You are better than this, don't do this Elizabeth!" She screamed, panic evident in her voice. I blinked more tears away, ready to speak again. I had to do it fast, she was getting closer.

"No i'm not! i'm not better than anything! I'm nothing, okay? Just let me do this! i don't want to suffer anymore. Let me have my peace!" I screamed but only loud enough for her to hear, I stepped backwards with the knife still in my hand.

"Elizabeth, give me the knife. I'm going to get a teacher. Just give me the knife, please." She said calmly, which surprised me. "You have so much to live for Liz! You are so smart! Just let us help you and you won't have to suffer anymore."

I was shaking my head frantically. "No! no, no, No! Just leave me alone! Go away or i'm going to do it!" I was so close, if I just slash my wrist then I would finally be able to breathe, to be away from all the troubles of my life.

She was about to talk again until she saw someone behind me, her mouth opened but closed almost immediately. "Liz? What is going on?" This voice was familiar to me, a voice I heard all the time. It almost calmed me down. I turned around to see Avan. I heard Theresa running away. As soon as his eyes went down to my hands, they went wide.

"Avan, go away. Please just go away!" I screamed and this time it was a bit louder. I felt like I couldn't breathe, My head was spinning and Avan was getting closer, reaching his arms out.

I stepped back, I didn't want anyone near me. I looked at my right hand and back to Avan. His eyes were filled with distress and concern. I had cried too much that there were no more tears coming out of my eyes.

"Liz, talk to me. Tell me what's going on with you, please. Please don't do this, just talk to me Liz. We can talk. I'm here for you always Elizabeth. Just put the knife down and come here." I heard his voice break. It was hard to see him like this, to hear him panic. My back was now leaning on the wall. I was slowly going down until I was in a sitting position.

Avan cautiously sat beside me. I put the knife beside me and he waited for me to talk. As we sat in a comfortable silence, I started recalling the day.

~7:18 AM earlier that day~

"Hi Liz! You're early today, what a surprise." Vanaiah greeted me with a big smile as I approached her with my books in my arms.

"Good morning to you too, Ana." I said in a bored tone.

"Hey Liz! How are you?" Krihs asked me with a smile too. "I'm fine Krihs." Was all I said, putting on a fake smile.

Today didn't feel right, actually this whole week was a huge pile of disappointment, but i didn't let that show. I put my books in my locker then Ana and I walked to our class. Math class came up and we were getting our exam results. Vanaiah's name was called and she was jumping with excitement. Good for her, she probably stayed up all night studying for that test I knew she really wanted to do good considering the results of her last test, and her reaction made me smile. My friend's achievements were always important to me. If they are happy, I am too.

My name was up next and I jumped a little. Avan rubbed my back as he smiled at me, I returned the smile and I got up and grabbed my paper. I looked at the score and my jaw dropped. I could feel tears building in my eyes as I read it again.

For the first time, I had failed a major exam. I could feel Avan looking over my shoulder and he grabbed my chin to face him. "Yoo, it's okay. It's just one exam. You did good in the other graded things, you'll be fine Liz. Don't worry." He assured me, smiling a big smile.

"You are right." ~wrong~ I brushed the small tear away quickly. "It's just one exam, i'll do better next time." I put on a fake smile. I just lied. I was totally freaking out, I just failed a major exam, and to think I was going to be okay? pfft, no way! That was just another thing to add to the list of disappointments this week. But no one figured it out, i decided not to show anyone my score. But that wasn't suspicious because i did it a lot even with good marks.

Lunch came by already. I was eating with my friends, Avan, Ana, Jhuli and Krihs. Avan was the only guy in our table but it didn't really matter. They talked about the regular school happenings and Krihs was freaking out about her Science report. I ate in silence while reading/studying my History book. To be honest, history was really interesting and I like reading the book just for fun even if we weren't on the chapter yet.

We put our lunches away and walked to our rooms. It was science already and we had a report about the solar system to present with our own models of the topic. I was so nervous and I wasn't super happy with my report that I ended up messing some things up. I felt so stupid when i finished and my teacher had a confused/ disappointed look on her face as I sat on my chair. I was disappointed too, I should have spent more time on the report instead of reading my history book. I looked at Krihs and she gave me a thumbs up along with a 'you did great' smile. I looked away and I felt tears in my eyes but i quickly blinked it away.

Before another student reported in front, I asked to go to the bathroom. Avan and Jhuli gave me a confused look because i never go out to the bathroom during class. But i didn't go to the bathroom. I stopped by my locker to grab something.

I walked to my usual spot behind the school, where i would release my anger from life by crying a river and punching a fence. I thought of the stress from the week. And i was already crying, thinking of everything. Then thinking of the past year. A few more tears passed during my breakdown and i finally took out what i got from my locker. My pocket knife, I was permitted to carry this around because of what had happened in the past and I left it in my locker this morning. I stared at the sharp object but i couldn't see it clearly because of the tears in my eyes. Was i going to do this today? Yes. I've had enough. All my bottled up emotion had been stored in this jar for too long and i couldn't suffer anymore. I needed a break. I craved for it.

~~

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Avan asked me, wiping a tear from my face. "I g-guess." I sniffled. "I just don't want anyone else near me, I swear I'm losing my mind Avan, I cant do this anymore."

"Yes you can Elizabeth. You are so strong." He looked at me and there was a big and genuine smile on his face. I smiled back a little and I felt safe and happy.

"Ms. Lowhele!" I heard Mrs. Kim's voice and I jumped on my feet, gripping on the knife tightly. I freaked out, there were 3 more students behind her. I couldn't breathe again. Avan stepped in front of me. "Mrs. Kim, please step back. I will get her to class. Something just happened." He tried explaining to her but she wouldn't have it.

"NO MR. GONAH. GO BACK TO THE ROOM IMMEDIATELY! Ms. Lowhele back to class now! I will not tolerate this behaviour!" She was screaming at me and she pushed past Avan. He looked at me like he was scared, worried and angry. I couldn't take it. I hated when people shouted at me, especially someone older. I was shaking and I couldn't breathe. I felt my vision go blurry and my legs were wobbly.

So i did it.

I slashed my wrist.

Deep.