Searching for Sweetness

Chapter Four - Wake Up Call

The words were a shot in the heart.  It was bad enough that I had to accept that Paige wasn't here.  Now everyone else was moving on.  I couldn't believe this.  Everything was happening too fast.  Everyone was moving on too fast.

          I was as stiff as a board as my little Ana hugged my legs.  She was no longer silent.  She was shaking with sobs, her words almost unintelligible through the tears.

          "Tell them that Paige is fine, Maddie!  Tell them what she told you!  She said she was fine!"

          Anabelle's face broke my heart.  Her little green eyes were holding more emotion than any other six-year-old could.  Paige wasn't even someone from our family.  It became clear that Paige had the ability to affect everyone, no matter who they were.  Her vulnerable expression matched my own, and I had the thought to twist my features into a feeble smile and glittering eyes.  Ana's gaze suddenly turned cold, like she couldn't believe me.

          "You can't possibly be okay with this!  You should be crying the most!"  Belle looked like she was ready to tear me straight in half.  My eyes widened in disbelief at her sudden personality swap.  It was hard to even tell she was my sweet little Anabelle, the bright eyed girl with that baby doll face that you couldn't resist.  I cocked my head to the side in wonder.  It was like someone went and made a carbon copy of my sister and replaced her with a delusional mess.

          My eyes narrowed in anger.  "Don't talk to me about how I feel," I whispered in a menacing voice.  Ana shrank back against the wall.  "I've had a rough past few days, and I don't need the stress of my family adding to it."  I turned away, determined not to break in front of them.  I needed to be strong.  As if it wasn't bad enough that I broke down in the supermarket today.  I couldn't afford to have anyone else see me like that.

          Could I ever feel right about this?  Could I ever mend my broken soul enough to bother with loving another?  How could I stand to look Adam in the face if Hayden was staring at nothing?  I was mortified with myself.  I crashed into the staircase, tears swimming in my eyes.  I couldn't do this.  I couldn't pretend it was okay.  I couldn't look my sister in the eye and tell her I'd be fine.

          I pulled myself up the winding flight of stairs, willing myself to just be in my room again.  My room, where I could hide my face in my pillow and shut the world out.  Maybe I could find a way to survive.  As soon as my face hit the pillow I let it out.  The tears broke free, and sobs wracked my body.  I was never good at pretending.  It was much different than playing the role of a character.  When you pretended, you didn't have a script that told you what to say.

          My unsteady eyes focused on my desk.  Among the piles of cluttered papers was a pristine frame, two smiles seeming to be mocking me.  I glared at the happy faces, wishing for them to go away.  These were not the same girls that were in detention yesterday.  The girls in the frame were laughing over something stupid.  Their problems were insignificant to mine.

          My phone rung several times, but I only ignored it.  My brain couldn't formulate what exactly I was feeling, and I knew that's all anyone was interested in.  My life was all anyone was talking about.  That's what happened when everybody loved you.  That's what it was like to not be normal.  That was because I was Paige Turner's best friend.  It's not like I didn't love my best friend.  It was because I loved her that made it uncomfortable to be stared in the face by everyone I encountered.  Paige was our own town superstar.  It was hard not to know the newly nicknamed 'ghost girl.'  Literally every headline read: "Ghost Girl Gone for Good?" or some other variation.  It went on to explain who Paige was and speculated if she'd ever return.  It was bull.  I didn't bother reading the whole thing because of the falsely portrayed version of Paige.