Always

Chapter 2

Joe's ranch, Montana, 0230 hours

Catherine listened to Steve's rhythmic breathing pattern and it comforted her knowing that he probably wasn't taunted by a nightmare right now, but in spite of that she still couldn't seem to fall asleep. Of course she was a bit jetlagged, but that wasn't all though she couldn't quite put her finger on what was keeping her awake. The next few days, probably even weeks, were going to be pretty damn nerve-wracking - so much she knew.

They would not only spend every minute they were awake looking for Greer, but at the same time they needed to mourn Joe's death and somehow come to terms with what had happened. And even though the latter might sounded like the easier task, she knew it wasn't going to be that way. They both had sharp minds and could very well think outside of the box. In combination with their military training and ressources they were bound to find her at some point. She wouldn't be able to dogde forever.

However, dealing with the loss of Joe was of another caliber. After all, Joe had been like a father to Steve. As sad as it sounded, she knew Steve had gotten kind of used to losing loved ones over the years, which didn't make losing Joe any easier, quite the contrary actually. And the fact that she made it onto that list herself still made her heart clench in her chest. He had long since forgiven her for everything, but a part of her still felt pretty bad about hurting him - it was the last thing she had ever wanted to do. She sighed softly, burying her face even deeper in the pillow.

She still didn't know what the hell had happened here and even though her mind was racing trying to figure it out, she wouldn't push him to tell her. Leaving the CIA for an unknown length of time wasn't exactly the easiest task, but threathening to quit had finally done the trick. As much as she was enjoying her job, lately she had been asking herself at what price she had been doing it. She practically gave up her whole life and everything she ever loved, when she had accepted the job offer. Sometimes she found herself laying awake at night wondering how her life would look like right now, if she had chosen him over the job. Would they be married? Maybe even have a cute little kid running around?

"No." Steve winced and she was brought back to reality, "No..please..Joe." His voice broke and with it her heart did too. She sat up abruptly and her arm began jolting his in an attempt to wake him. He was laying in the fetal position with a mixture of tears and sweat streaming down his face, "No!" his almost-scream echoed through the room.

His scream would have startled her, if only she hadn't heard it before. She had seen him having nightmares before, just like he had seen her being taunted by bad dreams - it had just been a part of the job. "Steve, hey." she uttered firmly and carefully tried to wake him up by jolting his arm as gentle as possible, "You are dreaming. Wake up, Steve."

He began moving slightly, but instead of opening his eyes, he yanked up his arm and before she realized what was going on, the back of his hand had hit her in the face and she could feel a dull pain close to her jawbone. He finally opened his eyes then and the first thing he saw was her, "Cath?" he asked, as his brows knitted slightly in confusion. He rubbed his eyes and opened them again, obviously expecting her to not be there anymore.

"Yeah, it's me. I am here." she assured him gently. It was in that moment, that it all came flooding back. Greer's betrayal, Cole's and Joe's deaths, Catherine's arrival at the ranch. He sat up too, mostly to escape her piercing brown eyes that were looking right through him - as usual. She followered his example and leaned her back against the bedhead. The room was pretty dark, but the moon was spending just enough light for them to make out each other's silhouettes.

"Are you okay?" he asked, his brows still knitted in confusion, when he noticed how her hand was patting her jaw almost as if to check whether something was wrong. He turned his head to the right to be able to look at her and realized that he hadn't once asked whether she was okay since her arrival.

"Nah." she shrugged and waved her hand as a sign of dismissal. The answer didn't seem to satisfy him, so she decided to just tell him the truth, "Uh..before you woke up, you kind of..uh..grazed my jaw." she explained and when she saw his eyes darken with guilt, she added, "Hey, you were sleeping, it happened. I am fine."

"I am sorry." he whispered and painfully closed his eyes. The last thing he wanted was to hurt her in any way and he could no longer hide the tiredness, sadness and the guilt he had managed to cover up before.

"I am fine." she assured him another time, but she could feel a shade of pink creep up her cheeks at his concern regarding her safety. Their eyes locked for a few seconds, "You wanna tell me what happened now?" her voice was barely a whisper.

He nodded, but didn't say anything for several minutes after that. When he finally started talking, she just listened. He told her everything that had happened in the last 72 hours; how Joe had told him someone was coming after his team, his talk with Greer, the combat at the ranch, which explained how battered this place had looked when she had arrived, and Joe's death.

"It was the most beautiful sunset I have ever seen." he whispered, "And he just died right there. In my arms. And the worst thing was that I couldn't do a single thing to help him. I don't think I have ever felt so helpless in my life." She nodded her head understandingly. Steve had always been someone who liked to be in control of everything at all times - it was certainly something that had come with the job - and losing Joe like that, she could very much imagine the immense pressure and guilt he was feeling.

She reached out for his hand, which was resting on the blanket and intertwined her fingers with his. It was a much needed gesture of understanding and support and he leaned his head back against the bedhead. His thumb began absently caressing her hand, filling her with a feeling of warmth that made her nostalgic. He had always made her feel a certain way, it was a sensation that for the love of god, she couldn't find the words to describe. At some point she had forgotten about that certain feeling, but now that it was back, she was sure it would haunt her, as soon as she were to return to her "normal life" - if you could even call the life of a CIA agent normal.

"He had a girlfriend, you know..Zahra." he continued after a while, his eyes were scanning the dark ceiling, before they caught hers, "She was the one. How do I tell her that he is..gone?" He knew it was something that needed to be done, but he still dreaded it. Informing someone about the death of a loved one was a part of his daily life and it was also one of the things he disliked the most about his job, but it was even harder when it was personal.

"I can do it for you." she offered, even though she knew he would negate her offer. He shook his head, just like she had expected, "No. I need to do that myself." It wasn't like Steve to stop, when he was facing a particularly hard task and this was no exception.

"Okay." she agreed softly and squeezed his hand slightly. There was another significant pause and she considered proposing to go back to sleep, but before she could even decide for or against it, Steve's hushed voice preempted her. The pain was so audible in his voice, it sent a shiver down her spine.

"It was my fault." Steve uttered, his eyes were fixed on a random spot on the dark ceiling, "I should have saved him. I should have done-"

"No, Steve, look at me," Catherine interrupted him and placed two fingers on his chin, before gently turning his head and forcing him to look her in the eyes, "You did everything you could have done. You could have never saved him."

A single tear rolled down his cheek, "But what if I could have? He wasn't supposed to die, goddamn it!" Steve replied and went from barely audible whispering to almost yelling. He was tired, sad and angry. Angry with Joe, for leaving him behind, and most importantly angry with himself, because he should have done more. He didn't bother to hide the tears that were now flowing freely down his cheeks.

"I know." she whispered and pulled him into her arms, "I know." His head came to a rest on her shoulder, as he let himself drown in his feelings. He rarely ever did that, but with Catherine it was just different. She understood him in a way nobody else could and somehow she always seemed to know exactly what he needed. For a while they just laid there like that, tangled up in each other's embrace, sharing the pain they were experiencing. Few words were exchanged, until they fell back into a deep sleep, with their hands still intertwined.