When It Rains (KATSUDEKU)

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The weather's nice.. It hasn't been quite like this in a while. It's the perfect day to lay underneath the sun, feel the wind against my skin. Hear gentle laughter float through the air.. To watch emerald eyes sparkle, so bright and beautiful, full of life and purity. A gentle soul, swept up in the warmth of a spring day.

He would have picked flowers from the nearby field. He would have spent hours searching for "the perfect shade of pink." He would have smiled at buzzing bees, placed a gentle hand on passing trees... he would have been the embodiment of the earth. He was always so in touch with that sort of thing. He took the time to pick up trash as he walked by, he scolded anyone he saw using a plastic bottle or straw. I always made fun of him, called him a hippie.. But I loved his passion.

Love, huh? It's funny really... that word and what it means. Love always terrified me because when you love someone you are expected to completely bare your entire being to them. To become the fully unsheathed, unprotected version of yourself. No hiding... no disguise. Just, completely and utterly yourself. Sickness and health, they say. Irony is, in sickness is death. And in death, is the loss of love. Right?

It's natural of course, death that is. Things are born, they live, and then they die. They're reduced to ash or they're buried deep within the earth. Nothing but bones in a grave, a box of what once was. Living only in memory, in a marked stone surrounded by wilting flowers and dead grass. Life was cruel that way... you're born, against your own choices, and you try your best to cope with the idea that one day it will all be over. Only, most people don't really think about the end until it's upon them. I never did. Not for him... not for myself.

He loved life. He lived every single second with a respect for existing, thankful for every waking moment. He was happy, the happiest human being that i'd ever met actually. I was half convinced he was some kind of extraterrestrial, no mere earthling could radiate that kind of warmth and joy from a smile. A crooked one, at that. My favorite smile. A canyon of a dimple resting on a freckled cheek was enough to suck me in for days.. Cheeks almost always stained pink, flushed with compassion and... life. He was so full of life.

I find myself wondering why it had to be him. Out of every miserable God Damn human being on this disgusting rock of earth, why him? The only one who deserved living. Part of me believes that he was too good to exist, and whatever God or entity that was up there was selfish enough to let me taste him, taste what true beauty was like, for most of his life, and then snatch him away from me. They watched as a proud man broke into a whimpering, pathetic mess, begging to take me instead. I watched as he withered away for months, so frail and broken. A mess of skin and bones, bruises and hair loss.. But he smiled. Nonetheless, he fucking smiled. At me, at all of the doctors and nurses and specialists, at his friends and family, at strangers.

Misery loves company, so they say. Well here the fuck I am, stuck within the bounds of self-pity and absolute fucking devestation. I hate it. I hate it here without him. It feels empty, pointless... lifeless.

It's as if every good, beautiful thing disappeared when he did. Gone without a trace. My favorite places are now dull and dry, bland without taste of any serenity or enjoyment. All that I know now is uncertainty. What is the future supposed to be like? There doesn't feel like there is one anymore. He was the future. He was my present, every day with him was a fucking gift and the future with him was what I dreamed of. And now what?

Everything just hurts and I miss him. I miss him so fucking much and it's not fair. It's not fucking fair to take away the only good thing that ever happened to this God forsaken town... the only good thing to ever happen to me.

"C'mon, kat. Lighten up! The sun will come out, it can't rain all the time!"

If only he would have known that it's rained for weeks.. And even today, when the sun finally has made its appearance, all I can feel is the gloom of rain and the swell of the storm brewing in my chest. Every night, I lay in bed and suffocate on thunderstorms. It rumbles and shakes the shell of where my heart once rested.

I hated the rain. It was wet, cold, and Annoying. The completely opposite of everything he was.. But he loved it. It was a fight to force him into a coat before he took off to rush into the steady stream of raindrops that fell heavy from above.. Barefoot and amazed by the weather. He would always catch a cold after that. Idiot. He would fling his arms out wide, grinning ear to ear. "Isn't beautiful, Kachaan?"

Yes... It was.

I just can't take this anymore. I can't handle walking the streets of this place, knowing that he's supposed to be here. He deserved more time, he needed more.. I wanted more.

I'll never love again. I gave my heart away long ago and I guess death isn't a valid enough excuse for a refund. Even if it was... i'd carry this grief forever if it meant that I could always have a part of him.

The sun is hot. It burns. I miss the rain. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I pretend the raindrops are his gentle touches. The sound of thunder is his laugh. I can feel him when it rains.

I miss you, Izuku.

Notes:

Another sad one shot.. it's what I do best lol

Thanks for reading!

:)