Finding Montana

Self Doubt

"This feels so weird." I say as Clara hands me a steaming hot cup of Honey Tea with Ginger or more recently dubbed, Tulip Tea, by the baristas at Two Cups. I've practically been living at the coffee shop since being released from the hospital last week and I've gotten more work done on this book than I ever thought possible. I've miraculously finished the first draft of my book; I drew on my recent experiences with Carver and Damien to create interesting plot twists that ultimately severed the ties between my two main characters, Lilac and Zander.

"What part feels weird?" Clara asks as we start walking down the main strip of Downtown Whitefish. "The part where your life is finally starting to get back to normal after the death of your psychotic ex or the fact that you've officially finished the first draft of your next best-selling book?" Clara says nonchalantly as she sips on her piping hot frappuccino.

"Wow, when you put it like that, I guess both are making me feel a bit weird?" I pause for a moment, taken aback slightly by Clara's bluntness. Ever since Damien shot her and her older brother, she's been a bit more...ruthless with her words. I completely understand her feelings though, being shot by some random man that you've never met before who also just happens to be your new friend's ex, could really distort that new friendship and make it hard to be around said friend.

"I'm sorry, I'm being a bit short with you today. I just have a lot going on in my head right now and I'm trying to figure out where my life is going." She sighs and sits down on the closest bench. I slowly join her, not fully knowing if she wants me sat next to her with everything that's happened. "It's just like, one minute you've got your life planned out, ready to follow that same, strategically organized path until you die, then the next minute you do almost die. Then, you're stuck wondering if you didn't do enough with your life and if your 9-5 job really is slowly driving you insane, even if it does pay the bills and gives you a comfortable lifestyle." Clara takes a deep breath, placing her coffee down next to her as she starts to wring her shaking hands. "What I'm trying to say is, I don't want to die with regrets. I don't want to wake up fifty years from now and wonder 'What if?'. I want to have done at least one thing memorable in my life that I'm proud of, something that leaves at least one tiny, messily impact on the world once I'm gone. Do you get what I'm saying?"

I chuckle to myself. I'm thankful that she's not mad at me for bringing my awful ex-boyfriend into her life, but also surprised because she's having the same existential crisis I did before deciding to dedicate my life to writing.

"Honey," I wrap my hands around Clara's trembling fingers. "That is the most human response you could have to such a traumatic event. It's completely normal to re-think your life after you almost die. I know I had many fair-shares of 'What am I doing with my life?' internal talks with myself when my family disowned me for having ambitions outside of their expectations, but I moved forward and ended up becoming a bestselling author." Clara's eyes start to water as I speak, "Life is all about the choices that you make today and everyday that follows, not the ones in the past that can no longer affect you. It's okay to think about alternate paths, in fact, I strongly encourage it since you never know what life is going to throw your way! If you live your life like you're a train stuck on a one track rail, then you'll never be able to venture off the path to see what else the world has to offer."

"That is so cheesy." Clara laughs, wiping the tears off her face as she leans back onto the cold bench.

"Yes, but it's very appropriate to what you're going through." I giggle as I lean into her playfully. "Have you told Travis what you're feeling?"

Clara hesitates before shaking her head, "He'd probably freak out. He's way more spontaneous than I am and if I brought this up he might think I'm trying to break up with him or something. I don't really do spontaneous or existential crisis..."