Finding Montana

Hallmark's a Lie

"You know this sounds like a Hallmark movie, right?" Aggie leans against a pile of books that starts to sway under her weight. My body involuntarily starts to move to catch the pile, but she waves her hand nonchalantly as she continues talking.

"Successful writer has massive heart break and throws herself into her work. Check. She moves to a new town to get away from the man who caused her heartbreak. Check. Meets the man of her dreams casually at a party put on by new friend in said escape town. Check. Has amazing first date with the hunky dream boat that's stolen her heart. Check." Aggie's been counting the checks on her fingers, casually skipping her fourth finger and pointing to her pinky as she lists off the fourth plot line of any great romance story.

"What's next?" She makes a big scene of looking down at her hand and pointing to her hand, dramatically showing me her ring finger. "Oh dear, who would have guessed it?"

"Very clever, Aggie." I swat her hand down and she smirks.

"You know every sappy love story ends with the guy getting the girl. Freaking straight romance, always making it obnoxiously easy." She bounces off the tower of books and I feel my anxiety skyrocket as it wobbles precariously like a palm trees in a hurricane. Every time I come into Aggie's bookshop I feel the need to take a shot of something strong and alcoholic to calm my nerves. The books she has shipped in are absolutely wonderful and a lot of the books are from  authors that I've never even heard of, but finding them in this mess is an adventure in itself. The store always looks like a china shop after the bull has had its way with it.

"But this isn't some Hallmark movie or romance novel, Aggie. This is my life. Those stories never show the pain that the leading lady goes through in order to get to the love of her life. There's never any struggle. Hollywood romanticizes and idolizes love so much that when it happens in real life, to real life people, they wonder if it's really true love since there weren't fireworks going off in the background." I sigh and plop into the plush leather couch Aggie had spent all of the previous weekend trying to uncover from a mound of books.

"And that's just it, real life doesn't have those kissing in the rain scenes that everyone seems to fantasize about. You know why? Because it's freaking cold and wet. No one in their right mind is going to say, 'wow, it's really pouring out there, let's go out there without any raincoat or umbrella and make out.' It's just not going to happen." She huffs and lifts herself onto the top of her desk.

"So what am I supposed to do." I mutter and cover my face with my hands while I think.

Carver was right in assuming that it was too soon for me to be back in the dating world. It's only been two weeks since he broke up with me via text. I still wake up thinking that I'll be sleeping next to him and I've been crying myself to sleep almost every night thinking about how big and empty the bed is with just one person in it. I spent three years with a man that never truly loved me and a part of me deep down knew that the whole time, but I just refused to accept it. I thought that if I could change myself to fit his mold, then it would make him love me the way I loved him. I thought if I did the things that he wanted me to and acted the way he expected me to act, then he might change the parts of him I hated. After all, that's what I did for him. He'd tell me something I needed to improve on and would expect immediate results, but refused to change his own habits or attitudes when I'd ask the same of him.

"I say give it a shot with Carver Hollis. It's not like the boy said he was in love with you, all he said was that he was interested in you. Just have fun with it, but I also advise you to let him know how you're feeling so he's not left in the dark." Aggie's wise words make her seem older beyond her years. "He's just as human as you are and my guess is he's probably going through some internal conflicts himself, since he hasn't dated in a long, long time."

"I just don't want to hurt him and also I don't want to get hurt either." I can feel the social rejection bubble start to overwhelm over my being and it takes all my willpower to stop from crying. Usually I'm not the uber emotional kind of girl, but these last few weeks have really been a struggle, mentally and emotionally. Lately, I can't help but weep at the drop of a hat.

"It's called good communication, hun." Aggie says gently, "You write books for a living, so you know the importance of having good communication between your characters in order to keep the plot lively and informative. Just apply the same to your everyday life. Talk about the struggles that are going on with you and give the person a little bit of an insight into you mind."

I can feel the unknown factors start to bombard me about telling another person the thoughts that are constantly running through my mind. "I know the outcome in the stories I write. I know the ins and outs over every character like the back of my hand. What makes them tick." I pause, carefully thinking about my next words. But I don't know what other people are like deep down, because I didn't create them. They're not an extension of me, like my characters are. I almost say out loud, but hold myself back. "I don't know the outcome in real life."

"You have no control." Aggie summarizes and I nod my head yes. "And I think that's why a lot of people write. It's a creative outlet that lets them have control over their own little world. A nice break from the unpredictable world that we live in." I take a deep breath as Aggie talks. Everything she's saying is ringing true to the deep introverted, anxiety-ridden nature within me and I have found in the past that throwing myself into my writing has been easier than dealing with real life problems with real life people.

"So what do I do?" I know the answer before I even ask it.

"You need to let go of control."