I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU

Chapter 8 - in which Shawn recalls how Camila always wanted a son with his curls

*TRIGGER WARNING: Childbirth, complications, grief, anxiety, depression*

Camila could barely walk but her survival instinct, and instinct to protect her children, both of them, was much stronger. She leaned heavily on Shawn, her feet moving as if independently of her body. The formalities of crossing over were completed and she was pretty sure she smiled and answered all the right questions and then there they were, on the bridge crossing the Rio Grande, the river that divided Mexico and the United States. She wondered if she would ever be able to come back after this. Her love for Mexico and her people was still intact. There were bad people everywhere, and she didn't blame the country for that. She was half Mexican, had lived here at times, and performed here. She would make sure she did return, for herself, her father and her fans. She was so sorry that Lita's experience was so horrific. She would bring her back and overwrite it with something wonderful.

She stared up at Shawn, this wonderful man who had scoured the country looking for her, who had abandoned his fans and his career commitments without a second thought, for his family. She didn't think she could ever love him any more, but as she stumbled through another contraction, he placed Lita on the ground, telling her to hold on tight to his shirt, and then he picked Camila up in his arms, and carried her the rest of the way. She held on tight around his neck, her head buried in his shoulder, her heart swelling with love and gratitude. She didn't know how long it took, the contraction ended and she went limp, feeling him kiss her damp forehead and whisper that he loved her, that she was strong and he was so proud of her.

She found out later that Max had called ahead for an ambulance and as they came off the bridge, the border control officers sped them through the process and then the EMTs ran and took her from Shawn's arms. He insisted on going in the ambulance with her, Lita too, and the paramedics must have realised they were not going to win that argument, because then she was on the gurney, an oxygen mask on her face, Shawn with Lita on his lap sitting beside her and holding her hand tight.

When they reached the Doctors Hospital of Laredo she didn't know where she was, or what was happening, just the lights and the running people and the trolley, and always Shawn's hand, his soft voice telling her everything was going to be fine, that they were going to have to do an emergency c-section but he would be with her. Another woman, a nurse, kind Latino with soft brown eyes, told her she would look after Lita while they were in the operating room.

Later, when she thought back, the only clear memories she had were those. The woman with the soft eyes looking after Lita, and Shawn, always Shawn, smiling, calm, his soothing voice, his words of love. They gave her a spinal block and he held her gently while they inserted the needle, looking so funny in his cap and gown and mask, but his eyes were there, crinkly at the corners, smiling at her and loving her, and his hand was there, squeezing gently. Then she was laying on her back in the operating room, bright lights above, gowned and masked people everywhere.  There was a screen up between her and whatever was happening below her chest. There was no sensation, it was like going to the dentist and getting a tooth out under anesthetic, you can feel them pushing and pulling but there was no pain. She felt like someone was doing the washing up in her stomach, as her hips rocked gently from side to side, and then there was Shawn, holding a little bundle, with a beautiful tiny little face, still white with vernix, but otherwise perfect, for her to kiss before being whisked away. Later, they told her the baby had not been breathing at first and they had to revive him. But once they did, he passed all the tests, and although he had to go straight to the NICU, there were no serious concerns.

"Go with him," she whispered. She didn't want him out of their sight and Shawn nodded, understanding, kissing her lips softly before going up to their room with the baby. It still all felt so surreal, as she lay there while they put her back together after the surgery. She felt so tired, and with a smile she let herself drift off to sleep. There was a siren screaming, trying to wake her up, but she was so exhausted she didn't care. People were running around, someone yelled "She's crashing!" and that was the last thing she remembered.