I WISH THAT I COULD TELL YOU

Chapter 10 - in which Shawn is well overdue for a haircut and shave

Shawn was surprised to find Camila in the nursery in the morning. She was sitting in the rocker they had chosen together when they had decorated it. They had seen it in a boutique baby store and loved it. It was comfortable like a recliner but it rocked on sliders, quietly and slowly, perfect for soothing a fractious baby or when feeding, and it had a matching ottoman. He had used it many times feeding Max in the night, but Camila had rarely entered the nursery at all, in fact yesterday when she had gotten him up to bring to the pool may well have been the first time since they'd come home. They had to stay in Laredo for six weeks until he was well enough to travel, but Camila had also been in hospital for most of that time, recovering from the complications resulting from the hemorrhage after the delivery, including a post-operative infection and some numbing from the spinal block. They had been home now for seven weeks, but she had barely left her room, only recently taking some time in the garden, and she had never gone into the nursery. But here she was, sitting in that damned rocker, feeding her son, looking like a Madonna, as if she had always been this soft and loving mother, as if she had always gazed at him with adoration, letting him grip her finger with his little hand, kissing his dark brown curls. He felt like his heart was going to crack open.

"Good morning," she smiled shyly.

"Hey," he said softly, squatting to look at Max. She had showered already, and washed her hair. It was in a soft braid that fell over one shoulder, and she smelled amazing.

"Hey," she said back, smiling. "What's on for today?"

"Wake Lita up, breakfast, then your Mom will take her to school. Then looking after Max, some time in the gym, maybe some music today, then Lita has dance after I pick her up from school."

"I thought I might go to the beauty salon. I haven't been for a long time. Eyebrows, manicure, pedicure maybe, that sort of thing."

Looking after herself, caring about her presentation, was an important step. Just getting up and showering was an amazing advancement.

"OK, well, Max and I can drop you off if you like."

"I'd like that a lot," she smiled.

"Maybe, after that we could have lunch? Then bring him home for his nap."

He was nervous, waiting for her response, not sure how she'd react.

"That sounds nice."

Nice. Well that was better than being called an immature asshole who puts his teenage fans before his children, one of her more memorable insults during the angry time post-partum.

"Do you want me to change his diaper?" he asked and she smiled and shook her head.

"No, I can do it, you go shower or whatever, I'll be OK."

He felt a pang of sadness. This had been his job before, feeding him, changing him, getting morning cuddles. He was glad she was doing it now, he had spent a lot of hours wishing for it so it would be churlish to resent her for it now. He did have a shower, he didn't usually because he would be going to the gym, but today he would take Camila to the beauty salon and while he was out he might go to see his trainer, and introduce him to Max.

Lita was bouncing off the walls by the time Sinu came to collect her, so excited her Mama was up and part of her normal morning routine, behaving as if she had never stopped. Although she wasn't quite dancing and singing around the kitchen like she used to do, she made Lita's breakfast and talked about her day ahead, finding out what she was doing in dance class.

As soon as Lita left, Max went down for his morning sleep.

"What are you going to do before we head out?" he asked.