Lonely In This Big World

I can’t do this. I can’t be in a relationship where I constantly have to think about what I’m doing, what I’m saying. It shouldn’t be this hard. He should love me for me. We should be able to talk about real things. Things that matter.

We should be able to argue. Argue and make up. I love him. I think. But I can’t be him, while being scared.

If we’re both too scared to be real with each other, maybe this isn’t love. A sixteen year old flop. A simple misunderstood relationship. A stupid crush, are the words I use.

These thoughts corrupted my mind as I walked to Jacob’s house. I was now standing at the brown door ahead of me.

End it. You have too. You need too. My conscience was prodding me. Everything I was feeling couldn’t be ignored. It couldn’t be pushed further to the back of my mind. I have to end this, no matter how much I loved and hated being with him. I couldn’t lead myself and him on anymore. I just couldn’t.

You can’t be in a time consuming relationship which is going nowhere. You shouldn’t have to fake to please him, and everyone around you.

He’s one of the most popular guys in school. That meant pressure, and a lot of it. We had to be the perfect couple. It sucked.

I confidently knocked on the door. It opened revealing the boy I had spent the last five months with. His brown hair shaggy and his eyes sparkly green as the sunlight hit his face. His beautiful, beautiful face.

You can do this, you need to. My conscience cheered me on.

“Gia, what’s up?” his voice flowed perfectly in the summer breeze. So perfect, that it lodged my throat. I had half a nerve to make up a lie, and leave the next minute. But I couldn’t. I can’t. I have to end this, today.

“Jacob, I need to talk to you.” He smiled and stepped out, closing the door behind him. I sat on the pearly white steps outside his front door. He stepped down next to me and sat his tan hands on his lap.

“I, uh, can’t do this.” I took a deep breath, feeling his eyes bore into the side of my face. I fidgeted with my thumbs as I carried on.

“I can’t be in a relationship with you” I mumbled, but loud enough so he could hear it in the eerie silence of the summer morning.

He stared at my face in shock. His mouth was slightly open, but no words were coming out, so I carried on with what I had to say. I had to explain.

“I, you-” He cut me short.

“You don’t want to be with me?” He mumbled, but his voice raised at me.

“You don’t want to be with me? I don’t want to be with you! You’re lucky to ever have been with me at all. I should have broken this off a long time ago. You want to know something? I was cheating on you!” Venom filled his voice, and as he stood up, he glared at me.

“Don’t talk to me ever again.” Those were the last words he spoke to me, before slamming the door, leaving me on the steps of his house.

I stood up. I didn’t know what to feel. He cheated on me. I loved him. I think. Did I? But relief filled me, along with regret and pain. So it’s just a crush, right? It can’t be love if I feel relief?