Building Shelters

Mikey: Slowly but Surely

It's now 1:43 a.m. and the air is growing increasingly chill. Outside, I can see people laughing and talking in the bar across the street. I see other shop owners finally heading after a long day. Yellow and red leaves fallen from the trees are pinned down on the ground by raindrops. It's drizzling outside and a light fog covers the street. Here at the cafe, everybody's already gone home. I'm pretty sure the owner himself is sleeping already. Right now, it's just us, a rag tag group of misfits seeking warmth from one another, sheltering ourselves from the rain outside. We're also sheltering each other from the hailstorm inside.

Everybody's eyes are locked onto mine and I take a deep breath. I have to share my story. This used to come so easily to me but now, it's the hardest thing in the world. Regardless, I have to open up about Dominique. I have to.

"Growing up, my parents were always working and I didn't have any siblings. At school, I didn't have any friends either. I was kind of used to being alone and couldn't relate much to my classmates. Things were like that for a while before Dominique moved in across the street. Man, that guy was the total opposite of me. If I was the embodiment of darkness, he was the embodiment of light. He was always around people, always smiling, always having a good time, and when he found out a kid his age lived nearby, he couldn't let it go. He'd drop by and say hello everyday and walk with me to the bus stop. We started hanging out after school and gradually, I came out of my shell. He helped me go from the loner to the class clown. We did everything together and acted like idiots all day long. We'd play pranks on our teachers and purposely hide quizzes somewhere in the classroom. During parties, we'd be the first ones on the dance floor. We'd even be the ones to step in if we ever saw somebody getting bullied. We were a dynamic duo. He was always there for me and quick to listen to my concerns, my thoughts, and my heartaches."

I pause before continuing the story. This is the hard part. "I never listened to his though. I always assumed he had everything together and that he was alright. I never once asked him if he was okay or if he needed to let something off his chest. I never asked him about his past. I just assumed he was good. Turns out he wasn't. Turns out the reason he switched schools in the first place was because he was bullied back at his old school. Turns out that moving wasn't enough for him to escape his tormentors because they continued to harrass them through text. I didn't know about any of this until it was too late. I didn't find out until he took his own life. I could have prevented all of this if I hadn't been so selfish...but I didn't. I didn't care about his story, I was only focused on rewriting mine. I didn't see his pain because I was too focused on the new me that he was helping me create."

My body starts to shake even though I'm trying so hard to hold my breath and stay still. I beg the emotions inside of me to hush. I beg my body not to betray me but it's too late. My emotions are running rampant as one cry escapes from my lips after another.

"Mikey...you can't blame yourself for not helping him when you didn't even know what was going on," Meera tries to comfort me.

"That's the thing! I didn't ask! I should have. He always asked about me, so why didn't I ask about him?" I scream, making everybody jump in their seats. The guilt is eating me up and consuming me. It's like a parasite and the longer I live with it, the less of me I have left.

"Maybe you didn't verbally ask him if he needed help, but you were still there for him. Everytime you guys joked around together, you made him laugh. You silenced the pain for a few minutes. Everytime you guys danced together at a party, you brought joy into his life. You helped him as much as you could with your actions and you know the saying -- actions speak louder than words," Jeremiah says thoughtfully.

I look up at him and smile softly. "Thank you for saying that. I just wish I did more. I wish actions were enough."

"Mikey, I lost my dad a few years ago due to a car accident. I know right now the easiest thing to do is blame yourself and think about the 'what ifs'. I know that's the easiest thing to do, but it's also the most destructive. The pain that you feel may never go away, but it'll lessen. Overtime, you'll start to forgive yourself and the voices telling you that you should've done more will be silenced. The wounds are fresh right now and they hurt like hell. I know. But I promise you, it will get better. It can only get better from here," Roxie says as she rubs my back gently.