His Side

Be Mine

The next thing I know I wake up, handcuffed to a bed, my arms and legs held down. Of course, I start to panic, not knowing what's going on. Then a doctor comes up and shines a light in my eyes, telling me that it's going to be alright. But it doesn't help my state of panic and soon I feel myself fade back to unconsciousness. When I wake up again I am no longer chained to the bed, I look around and notice I'm in a hospital room. When a nurse comes over to check on me, I ask for a phone and she helps me to the payphones in the hall. I have to call Bill and let him know what happened. I can only imagine that he and Nancy are worried, I call the office and Bill answers, "Bill?" I ask when I hear the line connect, "it's me."

"Where the fuck have you been?" Bill doesn't exactly sound happy.

"I'm sorry, I know I missed today without calling."

"Holden, you've been gone for a week."

"What?"

"Where are you?"

"I'm in California Medical's hospital."

Bill doesn't sound happy about it but he eventually agrees to come get me, since they won't let me leave on my own. I can't believe I've been gone for a week, it seems like it was a day, maybe two. But I feel horrible making them worry like this about me. Bill gets there the next afternoon. When he gets there Dr. Braxton tells Bill and I what happened, "a panic attack is a miscued fight-or-flight mechanism. You think it's a heart attack, but the body is just sending oxygen to organs that need it for defense. A lizard-brain evolution."

"That's about right," Bill glares over to me.

I look from Bill to Braxton, "I didn't have a heart attack?"

"The panic was protracted." Braxton shakes his head, "we finally had to sedate you. You'll wanna watch for panic disorder and repeat episodes."

"It could happen again?"

Bill sighs, "what caused it in the first place?"

"I treat the body, not the mind," Braxton shrugs, "I can send you down the hall to look at inkblots, but my advice is... manage your stress and try not to do whatever you were doing the first time it happened. If it recurs, benzodiazepine works. Here's a script with one refill."

"Valium?"

"Good luck. You're my first patient to walk out of here in 25 years."

Bill stands up as Braxton walks away, sitting a bag he brought with him on the bed, "you can still dress yourself, can't you?" I nod and Bill heads out and I get up, closing the curtains before changing into the clothes Bill brought, or at least the shirt. Once I'm dressed Bill and I head out. When I get into the hallway I get a little dizzy and lean against the hall, taking a few deep breaths, "fuck..." I hear Bill mutter under his breath. He walks back to me, "what? What?" I look up to him, "get it together." I nod and we continue out of the hospital, going to the airport. Bill has no end of complaining when we get on the plane, "panic attacks, visiting Kemper? What the fuck?"

"I know," I nod, leaning back in my seat.

"Why'd you go?"

"I don't know, Bill. I'm sorry. There wasn't anyone else I could call."

"No, there was, but because you two had a drunken night together, you didn't want to call her."

"You know about that?"

"I've known you and Nancy for almost a year, I can tell when you're hiding something." Bill shakes his head, before taking a deep breath, "what kind of fucking amateur leaves a hickey?"

"I don't know."

"Look, it wasn't a great time for either of us to leave work. And you don't walk out on OPR. You get that, right? I'm assuming you wanna keep doing this, Holden, that it's not too stressful for you."