Dark Light

Chapter 11: Fallen Angel

I alone fall from heaven. Down to hell, suffering for all eternity. All because of what I'm and always was.

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How long did I fall? In the pitch-darkness, I saw the world around me crumble towards nothing. Stones black burned in that emptiness. And I, all alone, fell further without a guide, without wings. It all was pointless to resist in a world that vanished before my eyes.

I fell from the throne in heaven. Deeper and deeper, I made my way into a hellish place as an angel struck from its throne. And even while I suffered in endless torment, nothing ever changed, not as time continued on and on. Eternity is far too short for redemption, no matter the choices.

Still, I didn't want to wake up, didn't want to see the light of day anymore. I kept my eyes closed and dreamed of a wish that played over and over in my shattered heart. Of peaceful lands, of a field of grass going beyond the horizon. I saw it time after time, holding it dear in my broken heart. But even I couldn't hold onto it anymore. Each time my tears fell, that dream cracked like glass. What could I do differently in the world no one belongs in? Suffer more, regret, cry until there is nothing left at the end? What good would it do to burn away by the cruel flames of hatred in this world?

And even in my cries, God never wavered. It called, it called, it called for my soul. Not for salvation, never for hope, only in the binding of destiny. God was cruel. God never left me alone in this everlasting darkness. And he shone the light that I resisted and laughed.

"No, I don't want to go back," I wanted to scream, but no words were cast. Why do I have to return? Why must I suffer? I want to stay here, forever and ever, in this darkness where nothing matters.

But there came no answer, not as the eternity shortened in days and nights. The light broke through the empty clouds like thoughts. And I tried and tried to swim up against the stream to no avail. My eyes widened by the blinding light that stretched upwards as they dissolved my free wings. And God's voice only spoke to me with the truth.

"The angels of heaven will not help a fallen one without her wings of hope, dead from sadness and sorrow. You have to return, even if you wanted to or not."

But why?

"We humans aren't the angels with wings of pure hope as we used to be. We never were. We all are sinners, destined to be chained in a fire. It is inevitable to fall; all of us will go eventually. Such is the rule of the universe we are bound to. So, open your eyes, young one, and await your destiny."

In a scream, afraid of life and death, the white light spouted in an uncontrollable fire. It filled up the void, not with hope nor sorrow, but with daylight. It was destined to happen no matter what I tried.

And finally, everything yet nothing vanished.

Slowly, all blackness was swept away in contrast to the growing light. I opened up the world, cruel beyond understanding, once more. Everything was a blur. It faded in and out in an unrecognizable blur. Blue, red, and yellow, colors not meant to be in a dark and twisted forest, shone without form.

Only a ceiling brought something new in my life as everything cleared up. A single shining rock, orange in color, dangled from a thin chain. It burned brightly as insects flew around. Light shone inside a house; a place made from wood.

As I tried sitting in bed, I realized that something was broken. It felt heavy; everything felt heavy. My hands didn't move, my back didn't come off the bed. Something within me resisted the temptation to move further, how weak I was.

"You should try to relax some more, child."

Suddenly, a manly voice spoke from where I couldn't see. As I turned my face away from the window by the bed, I saw someone sitting by my side on a wooden chair shrouded by vague outlines.