A trip to Bessekai

I

In the midst of the night, tears were flowing and silence of the darkness around me was replaced by not just the sounds of nature but also my soft cries. As I sobbed and sobbed through every hour I got better, until what the only thing I could hear is the crickets outside of my window.

It has always been like this, in the middle of the night I find myself crying for no reasonable cause, I tend to get panick attacks and anxiety.

"Why am I crying?"

"Why does it hurt?"

The feeling can be unbearable most of the time everyday causing me to sleep less every now and then. Do you know that feeling when you feel like you're missing something? It felt like I forgot something important, something I deared so much. For years I've been suffering.

I spend most of my panic attacks and breakdown crying and thingking what I was missing. Asking myself why I'm so much in pain.

Therapists and doctors told me I suffer from depression, they all say the same thing but I have other beliefs.
I agreed to do therapy every week and by taking prescribed medicines specifically for my problem. But something bothers me about it, It may be wierd but I know to myself that there is sonething other than depression that is causing this.

I just cant find the answer to it.

Or maybe I am just really going sane

Other than my issues, I live like a normal person everyday, I have few friends but not that close for me to feel comfortable being with them in a long period of time. I also spend the day with sunlight like everybody else. I can work productively if I may describe. I can't let my issue take over my life, but I am not living just merely existing.

I have lost the will to thrive in emotions that needs to be felt to live through life.

I seek a place where I feel like I belong. And the place right now that I am existing to is not it.

They say I wasn't always like this, four years ago I was geniunly happy, but not until I was missing for days. My parents had to find me every day nonstop and they got to an accident and didn't even have the chance to see me one last time and bid farewell.

Police said it was an unfortunate tragedy, but as soon as I appeared, I already felt empty. I found myself in the middle of a forest, I only had something in my fists and it was questionable why I only had it with me. It was an amulet. Tears were flowing on my face and sudden feeling of heavy sadness rushed through my body. It felt awful. It was worse than any pain. And to make things bad than it is, I was told that my parents passed away whilst looking for me that night before.

I didn't know what to think then. I was so confused as I didn't remember a thing when officers asked me where I was those couple of days.

"Miss Ri, I need to know where you were these couple of days, we need to file a report about it, were you abducted? Do you remeber where you were put captive?" An officer asked furiously.

"I"... "I don't know"... "I- I can't remeber"

I remember saying it with heavy pain in my chest as I tried my best to answer him. I kept hitting my head as I cannot remember a thing and so much was going on back then I could not focus.

"What a tragedy, that poor girl"

"Indeed. But If she hasn't gone away from home. They would still be alive"

Those were always the words from my neighbors and the people who knew my parents.
They make assumptions nonstop about the story. Rumors were different from different people's mouths.
I always pretend like I could not hear them, I do not want to satisfy them with a reply of a pitiful reaction. I do not need any comfort, people are talking behind my back but they act like they care to make them look like good people. Unless they're angels, I would love to trade my ears for their pure wings.