Lovefool ||c.t.h

Lover of Mine

          The sun is beating down on Eleanor, and all she can think, laying on the pool float is how much this all hurts. Not just the sunburn she knows is blooming across her nose and cheeks. But the acute and punishing feeling of losing the person you love. Slowly enough that you can watch it happen, but powerless to stop it. She knows it's wrong to watch Sierra who is half sitting in Luke's lap on the pool deck and wish Sierra loved her like that. Wishing to be running her hands through Sierra's hair which is always down no matter the heat, and never frizzy even when the air is thick enough to cut through. Her father told her once that she puts the people she loves on a pedestal. She holds them to impossible standards because she sees only the gold. But Sierra is gold, all gold, and sweet and loving. Her smile makes El's stomach flutter and her laugh is actually life altering and El's hasn't been this gone for someone maybe ever and everything is falling apart and coming together all at once and feels so radically out of control that she can't breath sometimes.

          To her right, Ashton, Kaykay, Michael and Crystal are engaged in a water war of some kind and everyone is picking teams. Calum is brooding on the side, eyeing the commotion and patting Petunia's head. Missing Duke, and Australia and probably whatever girl broke his poor heart last. If Eleanor is remembering correctly, which she is, (the only person she pays attention to as much as Sierra is Calum) it was probably the model from the bar last week. She had the prettiest red lipstick on, and metal bands wrapped around her braids, and if she hadn't been making eyes at Calum the whole night El might have considered making a move herself. She and Calum's "love troubles" as Ashton so lovingly dubbed them were notorious within their group. El with her bad habit of falling in love with people who she could never have, and Calum being unwilling to commit but desperately seeking love.

          If Eleanor loves unrealistically, Calum loves too fast. Eleanor knew she cared about Sierra from the first time they met, at Ashton's house party in 2016, which Ellie attended with her brother and Sierra attended with her now ex. They spent the whole night chatting in the corner, and left each other's numbers and matching lipstick stains on their cheeks. It wasn't until months later, when Sierra was crying into Ellie's pillows in equal parts relief and horror over the turbulent and horrid end of her seven year relationship that Ellie knew she needed to protect Sierra. No matter what. She realised she was in love two weeks before Sierra started dating Luke, they were at a cafe in LA, and Sierra was doing that thing where she talks with her hands. And Ellie watched the way her lips moved around the words, and her tongue curled out the sounds against her teeth, and the sun caught in the halo of flyaway hairs around her face and she knew she was a goner. But Sierra dubbed her "best friend" and dubbed Luke "lover" and Eleanor decided that having her at all would have to be enough. She had done something like this before, twice before actually. Her brother swore it was the hopeless romantic in her. The part of her that drove her to fall in love with her childhood best friend Noah, who was in no way interested in her, and then again in college with Sarah, from her Lit Analysis course who had a boyfriend and a suspicious love of Emily Dickenson. The same "hopeless romanticism" that sparked her career, drove the writing of her first two books, that kept her pining after Sierra while simultaneously rooting for the success of her current relationship.

          According to Calum, he decided he was done with love after his last disastrous relationship, which ended in him being cheated on, spiralling for four months and deciding to adopt a geriatric foster dog. He had been so angry and hurt, he tried to close off his heart, so he would never have to feel like that again. Publicly decrying love and all things associated with it. In all honesty though, Calum has fancied himself in love since then. Many times over, with lots of different women. The girl from the cafe on State St, the model from the label party, one of Kaykay's friends, Crystal's assistant, Ashton's cousin. Calum sees a pretty girl and falls in love. He then sleeps with her, because he is charismatic, and hot and girls tend to reciprocate his affection and then he overanalyzes, figures out everything that could possibly go wrong and then never sees her again. Both of them, trapped in a vicious cycle.

         Ellie is startled out of her reflection by Sierra calling everyone up for dinner. Which is good because anymore contemplation and Eleanor might have actually made some progress.

"Cal, will you pretty please pull me to shore?"

"How could I possibly leave you adrift."

          Calum practically skipped across the concrete surrounding the pool and grabbed Eleanor's hand in his. He stuck his tongue out at her and gave her arm a tug, pulling her and her blue colored float to shore. Across the pool the water polo team were all clamoring out and toweling off. She swatted Calum's hand away once she was firmly on dry land again and he slapped her shoulder sunburn in retaliation. As they all approached the deck, Sierra was laying out the Thai food she ordered after everyone arrived.

          Once all the food has been served Ellie found herself wedged between Calum and Sierra at the over crowded table. Half way through the meal Petunia props her head in Ellie's lap. Begging occasionally for a hunk of red curry tofu or a piece of broccoli. Which Calum and she are sharing, both preferring red over green, which has always been Kaykay's go to. As he is telling a story about learning to drive, Luke starts choking, doubled over hacking and coughing. Sierra is looking in on adoration as he recovers, dislodging the large hunk of rice and Michael is pounding on his back. The whole thing bordering on Shakespearean Tragic-Comedy. Cal is looking at her, while she looks at Sierra, and Sierra looks at Luke who is looking back at Sierra. And Ashton is watching all of them while Crystal laughs at Michael and Michael looks at Luke like he both hung the moon and is the biggest idiot in the world. A fair summation of their friendship, and Kaykay looks at El, with the same worried expression she always wears when it comes to them. Because they are all so damn oblivious and always on the cusp of all out, friendship ending disaster.

        But Luke takes a few more gasping breaths, and they all laugh at his silliness and Petunia clambers up on his lap to offer comfort and to save him from the dangerous rice he can't seem to eat. And the evening continues as it always does. Ashton mixes up some after dinner drinks. And they all lounge around the pool, watching the sun set and the fireflies come out. Luke puts on some demo's of the new album, explaining each song as it plays. Most of them he had a hand in writing and when the one Sierra helped him with comes on all of the air races out of Eleanor's lungs. Listening to Luke, who she wants to hate but can't, sing about how much he loves the woman that Eleanor also loves. Kaykay grabs her hand and squeezes and despite everything, she is so proud of Sierra that she doesn't even care. It hurts, but Sierra is her best friend, the one who has been there for everything, and when the final notes play, she gets up and hugs her. Whispers in her ear how proud she is and even hugs Luke on the way back to her seat. After the demos have been exhausted and the bugs start to come out, and everyone says their goodbyes, Calum offers her a ride home. Which isn't unusual for them, her apartment is on the way back to his place and sometimes if it's late she just bunks in the guest room there. And waits until Calum is asleep to steal Duke and cry into his fur. Once they are all situated in the car, an old Maine song playing on the radio Calum breaks the silence.

"So, you still in love with Sierra?"

"You still a man whore?"

         He turns up the music, and Lover of Mine comes on again. Calum changes the song, and grabs Eleanor's hand over the center console. She doesn't complain when John Lennon comes on shuffle and he doesn't mention the tears rolling down her face.