It's like feeling a weight on your chest but your head is floating and your chest is hallow but it is heavy
,like my brain is trying to fight its way out
like I just want to be someone else, somewhere else outside my body so that I don't have to feel it
,it's like I'm feeling everything and nothing at the same time ,
the mental pain is so bad that I can physically feel my brain fighting itself and coursing through my body ,
it's like one day I feel like it will end- and I'm fine and okay and happy and dancing and the next
I just want to be gone like I don't want to exist
because there is this feeling nawing at my soul like claws are trying to tear me apart from the inside and I feel pathetic and stupid and angry and I hate being in my own body ...
The constant mind numbing anxiety is unbearable and the constant obsession that I'm doing something wrong or that I need to hide even in a locked room like I'm so afraid like the fear of something just anything digs into every thing every thought that I'm not safe and that something is coming ,like my mind is being chased around and mocking me ,
*this is the feeling and it doesn't even fully explain it it's just a small piece of what I feel and I know it isn't rational but that's the point of depression it isn't rational so please don't tell me to fucking pray or that everything is gonna be alright.I know these things ,my rational brain is still there ,under those voices it tells me that this is all in my head and that it's just my broken mind conjuring these thoughts ,I KNOW okay but the feelings are still there and on days like today , yesterday the irrational voices win the screaming contest ,the balance sways negatively and I the feelings are intense and I can't live or be normal or carry on my day like I would when I can manage to ignore those voice or manage those feeling so please don't tell me those things, and yes you probably wish you could help but you can't , know body can, no Facebook link will give me a magical cure nor will you telling me I'm okay will ,just let me suffer through okay*It's like my mind is numb and cold and dark but is burning hot with so many things that I literally could not tell you what emotions I'm feeling ,I just feel nothing but I also feel empty and it's like I literally just tried to think what I'm feeling but there isn't the words to explain , it's like there a feeling like intense darkness that's the only way I can describe it ,like I'm falling and falling and falling but I have no voice ,and it makes me really sad no that's not a good description but it's not a good emotion but then I get so angry and it's like I can't anymore it's so overwhelming it's like drowning and sinking and it's so so so irrational like I know like what the fuck this is so incredibly stupid there is no rational reason to feel like this like I could literally not tell you why or how or when it just jumps on you, this morning I woke up happy and listening to music and then I just snapped and threw my book across the room and picked up my laptop and nearly threw it to ...that's the first stage the intense angry would is follow by the intense negative self talk like I am a worthless piece of fucking stupid nothingness that is so overdramatic it's like I'm not even human,well I don't feel human and then it's the emptyness the sinking hollow feeling and from there I lost account I literally can't remember the last two hours how I felt or what I did ,I just know I couldn't talk or think it's like I'm a puppet and nobody was pulling the strings ...it makes me so angry like why do I feel this it makes no sense it just jumps on me out of nowhere and it's so frustrating and hard to explain or descripe , it's like a cloud covering the sun like someone put up a wall and I can't feel or see over that wall it blocks everything and I just feel the world spiralling like I'm not even apart of it and I'm stuck in my mind...
Anxiety, depression, body dismorphay, chronic insomina, PTSD...that's just a day in my life because someone once decided I didn't deserve to be treated as a human , that I was trash, non-existant -a object to be broken
