Sometimes when the air is quite and the night is dead I like to pretend I found my peace.
I'll lay still on my back looking up into the empty black void of a room and think .
I push out the pain and the guilt, and the dread and sorrow, the worry and panic, the stress and anxiety ...until I hear nothing in my mind. And for a single moment I'm okay.
For that single moment I watch a dumb video and live a peace you can only get through unrealistic adventure.
But then the spell breaks.
And my heart pounds heavy in my chest .
And I can't sleep, as wonderful as it would be, sleep would mean acceptance of a new day. And I don't want a new day to come.
I want to live in that single moment of peace I find at midnight, deep under the cover of darkness. Alone and in silence .
It's almost pathetic how hard it is becoming. I cant keep the fake smiles or the dime light mood.
I'm just a stone, heavy and empty.
I try to make the sparkle come back into my eyes and find the time to give others back the energy I steal . But it's impossible, my introvert has introverted. The depression and anxiety rule my every thought. I'm agitated, and irrational irritable, I am a moody bitch. I snap and I shout then I sob and cry .
My pain knows no bounds .
And I find myself looking for the sliver at midnight again.
