Disturbed Serenity

14 - Subtle cues of intimacy

First Person Point Of View

What I said was not in the plan, bigla lang talaga akong napasubok sa mga nakita namin! I just playfully rolled my eyes at what they said without even glancing to the man beside me na parang kanina pa nga ako sinisilip. Please, Hugo, not today. Nakakahiya!

"Yiiieee!!!" Ang tilian ng dalawa kong kaibigan ay paulit ulit ko lang sinagot nang iling. I think it was a moment of my heightened emotions, and being me I do not know how to control it because it is my first time.

I can feel my beats are continuously getting louder, and I am putting a lot of effort to wipe my sweat from this feeling. It also helps because I can cover my red face right now.

We are just walking from the liga we went so we can go home. Ang hirap iwasan ng pangaasar nila sa akin dahil magkatabi kami ng lalaki sa gilid ko. I did my best to remove my arms from him even if his is brushing against mine. 

Is it this noticeable if you are having complicated feelings to someone that you cannot even recognize what kind of feelings is these?

Normal na normal ang paglalakad talaga sa bayang ito, the reason why I think I lost some weight. Not for a good reason, though, but if this happened way before, maybe I'll celebrate.

Hindi naman na natuloy ang asaran nila dahil naiba na ang chismisan nila. Puro tango lang at tawa ang ginawa ko dahil nabobother ako kay Hugo. 

I was not in my mind when I am waving at them when we brought them to their own homes. Parehas naman namin sila naihatid habang naglalakad lang. I wish there was some transportation so that I cannot force this feelings to be felt by me.

I know there are a lot of not so good thoughts about him in my mind, the feeling that he is with me alive and breathing removes the worries on my chest. 

Sumilip ako sakaniya na diretso lang din ang lakad. Humahampas sa balat namin ang malamig na hangin. Kokonti ang dumadaan na sasakyan, at wala na rin masyadong tao dahil pagabi na. Hindi naman na ito bago pero yung pakiramdam na kasama ko si Hugo, this one feels foreign to me.

"Are you okay?"

Halos mapatalon ako sa naging tanong niya kaya mukha rin itong nagulat. But, I was more amazed that his reflexes were so fast na parang anytime mahulog ako kayang kaya niya akong saluhin. Seriously, is he trained for this?

I held my chest, "Sorry...nagulat lang. Yes, I am."

He eyed me, and I removed my gaze on him. Nagpatuloy ako sa lakad kahit na para akong wala sa sarili sa nagawa kanina.

The way he looks at me, he has a lot of thousand unsaid thoughts that is going inside his head. If he just knows how much I have made a space in my mind just to think about him. I am just afraid to hear what he will say, that's why I cannot bring myself to that conversation because I don't know where I can start explaining.

Living here in Sta. Isabella brought me back to being sane. Whatever the reason why he's here, I am not ready for it. No matter how he exposes his self to me, I don't think I'll be ready for the chaos I might bring him.

Nagulat ako dahil naramdaman ko ang kamay niyang dahang dahang humawak sa braso ko. It made me stop and caused a lot of my organs to get crazy. "Bakit?"

Pinipigilan kong manginig sa ginawa niya.

"I hope we are okay..."

Lumaki ang mata ko sa narinig! Of course we are! Sa lahat ng mga naiisip ko ito ang sasabihin niya sa akin? I suddenly felt guilt from all the thoughts running inside my mind.