Perhaps I seriously like him?
That day when he smiled at me it felt like my first time to look at a guy straight in the eye. Well, I rarely even do so. But at that day, when he asked me if he can sit beside me while smiling widely...I don't know but it captured me greatly that I still remember it so much 'til this day. I rarely look at guys, I rarely observe them, I rarely give a damn but at that day, I strangely felt a real guy sitting beside me. He made me feel anxious, like there was something wrong in me.
Perhaps he doesn't even remember me, perhaps he doesn't even give a damn about me, but I still often visit his social media accounts from time-to-time. He doesn't even know about it. He seemed soft, like a feather flying in the air. He seemed kind, like a guy who considers many things around him. I won’t daresay he is simple, but rather he seem to be simply fashionable.
He made me feel uneasy even the following days. Whenever I see him going out of their room I would even put some light make-up on my face, check myself in the mirror just to see if I look normal enough.
At first I tried to seem to be intimidating, because I hate it when some stranger-guy talks to me, but it doesn’t seem to be the case—I was the one who got strangely intimidated by him.
Just like other girls, I like to fantasize things about if he even thinks about me, even just a little. There was a time when he walked behind me. He came somewhere from outside, and when he came back home he just looked ordinary, but when he passed me again for the second time that day, he suddenly smelled like he just had done perfume on him. I liked then to fantasize that he did so because he became aware of me—or perhaps he just feels like the necessity to do so.
Until now I thought I was only simply crushing on him, but it doesn’t seem to be the case. To me he seems to be the kind of guy who doesn’t have any interest in girls or romance. He simply likes playing mobile or computer games, and he is quite fond of it. I even think that he rarely give a damn about whatever girls post on Instagram, until I just saw him liking one certain post of a girl. It made me feel irritated, an emotion I rarely even have.
This was where I realized I was trying to block my feelings of irritation. Why was I blocking the emotion? Because it was unpleasant. Why was I feeling irritated? It hit me. Why was I irritated? Was I jealous?
And there was it.
I think I like him. Like him enough not to forget how we first talked to each other. Like him enough to feel so giddy when I think about him. Like him enough to try to learn his entire family. Like him enough to be irritated because of some girl.
I feel this way even though he would never feel the same. I feel this way even if he doesn’t even know me, when he doesn’t even give the slightest damn. It was okay though. I like things simple. I was aware how complicated love can get, and I know myself I’m not ready for it.
