Love at its least .

5

I woke up to my awfully loud alarm ringing in my ears, and immediately I slammed the snooze button in desperate need of some rest.
I slammed a pillow over my head and stifled a scream. I couldn't even sleep due to the incident with Ace yesterday. It still felt weird knowing that I had open heartedly kissed an utter stranger with so much passionate connection. Knowing that the sun was already seeping through the blinds into my room, I sighed and dropped the pillow on the floor. I got up, yawned, and walked to the bathroom.
It was silent due to the fact that the house was empty.
For the past week, my dad had gone on a business trip. He had decided to give me the space I needed and would occassionally have a decent converstaion about school with me and that was about it. He still was hurt from my constant ignorance but he kept his distance, which I was greatly thankful for.

I was shaken from my thoughts as I looked into the bathroom mirror. My hair was scattered all over my face and it looked even worse than a dusty used broomstick. My eyes were drawn and I looked like I had just survived the zombie apocalypse.
I laughed at how bad I looked, and took off all my clothes in a hurry. I desperately wanted to jump into the shower and use up all the hot water my shower could muster. I hopped into the shower and as I adjusted with the water temperature, i finally let out a sigh of relief as the water rolled down my skin onto the floor.
Like always, showering helped me to think and immediately, my mind went to him.
I mean, just imagine how terrified I must be.
I've never even been in love yet I'm terrified at what it could do. I mean from the experiences I've seen, it makes you so vulnerable.

It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up.

You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life and...You give them a piece of you.

They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, it hurts.

Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.

I hate love.

It's been a day since everything and I havent had a decent hour of peace. The way he made me feel. The way my skin tingled under his touch. I couldn't stand the fact that he had control over me. I knew him for a good ten minutes, and even then, I was sucking his face off. I should have never let it happen. I shouldn't have opened myself up.
I should not have made myself vulnerable in so many ways.
Why did he have to be such a playboy?
There were so many questions left unanswered but I already knew what he wanted. I've made mistakes but I'm not a fool.
I know for a damn fact that he wanted my virginity so he can hold it up like a prize you win at a rigged carnival game. I would go to hell and back before I would ever let him take my virginity. How stupid does he think I am?
I mean, that's the only reason a perfect guy like him even cared to like a girl like me.
UGH,
DAMN HIM AND HIS SMELL AND HIS EYES AND HIS FACE AAND THE WAY HE MADE ME FEEL!
Just...JUST FUCK HIM!

I was getting angrier at myself for what had happened and soon enough, I decided to just turn off the water and put a towel over me. I grabbed my clothes off the floor, threw it into the hamper, and walked into the room. I walked over to the vintage dresser, grabbed a pair of home shorts and a plain tank top to put over me. I grabbed a sweatshirt from my closet, put it over my body, and sat on my bed. I looked up at the ceiling and rolled my eyes at myself. Here I was trying to act like everything was fine. I kissed a stranger, I mean, who the fuck does that? It wasn't even a full five minutes of thought, and I was interrupted with my stomach grumbling with hunger.
I walked out of my room, down the stairs, and into the cold silent kitchen. I opened the almost empty fridge and stared at what was left. Barely needing some type of distraction, I took out some cereal and milk, and sat on one of the stools near the kitchen island. My stomach grumbled again and I stuffed the cereal into my mouth.
I stared across the kitchen, thinking again about everything. ugh! I just wanted one minute alone without any thought of him! Can't a girl get one minute of peace? Was that so much to ask for? Dammit!
I gobbled down the rest of the food, threw my bowl into the sink, and went back up to my room. Knowing it was a Saturday and that I was in no mood to do homework, I fell asleep.
Before I knew it, I was waking up to the odd presence of someone watching me. I shot up, breathing heavily when his scent washed over me. I tightly covered the sheet over my breasts as if I was caught naked. I squinted at him and I tried to open my damn mouth to say something but nothing came out. I was only able to think what I wanted to say.
What was he doing here? Why was Ace in my room? And how did he even get in here?
This was honestly getting creepier by the second and I immediately got up from my bed.
Finally, I said with an annoyed and disgusted tone, "What are you doing here?! This is my room you bitch. It's called privacy. Dammit, How...How did you even get in here?!?"
"Well, hello to you too sweetheart."
I rolled my eyes in disgust.
"And she let me in." He answered while observing my room and taking in the bright yellow walls with pink flowers on them. Let's just say my dad still thought I was the little six-year-old girl he used to know when he decorated my room. My cheeks were flushed from the embarrassment, and I tried to forget about it. I shouldn't be trying to impress him! I asked him rudely, "who?"
"Dorothy.The cleaning lady."
"Her names Dorota." I added. Dorota must have come in when I was sleeping and brought him inside as well.
"Can you leave now?"
"Why in such a hurry love?"
"I'm not your 'love' and get out of my room." I said louder.
He stood up and my bed bounced back to its original shape. He looked at me and I hated it. I hated those damn gorgeous blue orbs.
He noticed that I was staring back at him and slowly strode towards me. When he was close enough(maybe a little too close) he put his hand on my shoulder and slowly he trailed his hand down my arm...his eyes watching my every move. His path ended as he interlinked our hands together, and I had begun to breathe more heavily.
"It's nice to know you still want me."
And of course!
Moment ruined.
I shook my hand away and immediately he let go, chuckling. I hated him so much, but a part of me enjoyed what he was doing.
He came in closer and swooped me off my feet, bridal style. I tried to push off his chest, but he held his grip strong. I could hear a stifled laugh, and that made my blood boil. Who does he think he is?
He laid me down on the bed and before I could move, he supported his weight a few inches on top of me.
He smiled, "don't you know me by now, sweetheart?"
"Don't call me that."
I struggled away from him and tried to push him off, but instead he grabbed my wrists and pinned them down on top of my head.

He smirked at me and slowly he leaned in, pressing his lips to mine, savoring every second of it.
He tried to force me to open my mouth, but I refused and even when he bit my lip, I forced myself to not give in. My body was doing that thing again and I didn't know what to do. I could feel my body wanting to give in, and it took all the strength I could muster to stay in control. Frustrated, he gave up.
"Dammit. You kiss when you don't know me but you don't kiss me when you do. What the fuck is that?"
"Get off."
"Not so fast."
I grit my teeth and I wanted to slap him so hard, but he enjoyed this. He placed a kiss on the nape of my neck and that got me. I knew he could feel my body shudder under his touch, and all I could do was just melt. I groaned and immediately, he became determined. He kissed me harder this time, pressing my lips so hard that it hurt to not open. I gave in and instantly, his tongue danced with mine.
I tried to move my hands still, but he warned," move them and I'll stop."
I froze, and immediately, I let him pin my arms down again.
Wait? Didn't I want him to stop? Then why did I just obey him?
When we both came up for air, he released me and immediately I rolled him over, now gaining control by being on top.
He smiled, " I've always liked a girl on top."
Disgusted, I got off the bed and tried to fix my messy hair. He watched me as I did so, and after I was done, he got up. He walked over to me, and slowly whispered in my ear. "For next time." And he placed a kiss where my jaw met my neck. I shuddered and closed my eyes in response. I arched myself towards him, but all he did was walk out the door. And once again, I was alone thinking about a particular Ace.