Real Life

2: self confidence

Y'all, I have a real problem with self confidence.
  
      I always feel like everyone is judging me. Even when I'm going to get mail, I put on an outfit that is Mall worthy, because I hate the idea of a random person, a perfect stranger, think something negative about me.

       I come up with the stupidest reasons for doing things, like "I can't open my windows because I wore these jeans yesterday and they have rips so it will be obvious". Things like this are really bad because they get in the way of my happiness. I absolutely love opening windows and letting the sounds and visions on the outside world carry me safely into a glorious happiness.

      When I go to see my grandparents I always feel like I need to dress to the 9s. I always feel this voice screaming at me to do everything perfectly, "don't sing to loud!" "Don't put your elbows on the table!" And if I mess up I get super emotional and embarrassed. (I turn tomato red when I get embarrassed, and knowing that, only makes me more embarrassed 😬)

    I am also a singer, I get vocal lessons and people constantly compliment me. I have a big, nice range and sing all the time. But I don't think I sing good. I always tell myself that I sound "worse than a deranged donkey giving birth to an alpaca". This might seem small but it affects me a lot due to my love of singing. I rarely wear headphones because I feel the need to make sure I sound ok-ish (see, already putting myself down) and I'm not too loud. I beat myself up every time I mess up and I don't believe people when they compliment me. I almost never sing infront of family and when I sing infront of friends, it's only the ones I'm closest to.

If anyone else feels similar, don't hesitate to say so. I hope for this "book" to be a happy place where everyone is accepted and people can talk together. I hope everyone who reads this, leaves feeling loved, understood, and appreciated.

I love you my darlings!