Real Life

7: To Feel Loved

Everyone wants someone to want them. Someone to place them in their head under the list of important people in their life. Someone to talk to and trust. Someone to love them at least on a platonic level.

We sometimes try to deny it, but like my inability to not blush at everything, its there and it won't go away, no matter how much we want it to.

It's conflicting really.

People (especially me) don't often like relying on others. They don't like having the ability to hurt someone. That type of power is scary.

But wouldn't it also feel amazing?

To have someone who loves you. Someone who holds your hand and gives you their hoodies. Someone who thinks about you through out the day, over the littlest things. Someone who likes to talk to you and makes you smile and laugh. Someone who takes away your worries and your problems. Someone who feels like home.

I lie awake for hours, trying to believe that someone wants me. I feel detached from my family, though they love and support me. Most of my friends don't really care about me, they see my crying and tell me to call them when I feel better. They know I'm upset, but instead of caring they tell me to shut up and then proceed to talk about themselves for 2 hours.

The one person who seemed to care (named A1) turned out to be abusive. She beat me repeatedly with a hairbrush. She did so in front of all my friends and no one helped. No one cared. They just sat and stared. When A1 got in trouble, my friends felt bad for her. At first A tried to be friendly but when she realized I didn't like her anymore she spread rumors about me. Her friends would seek me out just to mess with me.

I had trusted her. I had believed her when she said I was her best friend. I had felt safe with her. And she didn't care. I was dirt in her eyes.

I should have left my friends after that, I know. But I couldn't. Because all I could think to myself was "no one will every really like you, at least they pretend... Sometimes." And "It's good enough, more than you deserve." I was so scared of being alone. I stayed friends with those mean people, though I would sometimes find excuses to leave if they were around.

Some people have cared. They have granted me the bare minimum amount of fucks to give, which made me feel a little better.

I still dream of someone to love me. To think about me, to talk with me. Some who feels like home, who makes me feel loved and wanted and like I belong. I still dream of my someone.

Having a person like that⬆️ is very important. Whether it is a platonic love or more than that. I dream of it and, know I'm not the only one, so don't worry. You're not alone.

I love you my darlings!