Real Life

5: Music

Music is a beautiful thing. It brings people together and can send important messages and feelings.

             I am someone who is in love with music. I literally can't help but sing to a song I know, even if I don't like the lyrics.

         I might breath to the beat of the music, or tap my fingers, or something but it always ends in me singing. (Unless I am with family. I am, however trying to work on that. I will start with friends in public, dancing and singing and making dumbass jokes. I hope to soon be more comfortable in the presence of others.)

            Music is my happy place. No matter what. Or at least that's what I thought.

          Once upon a time, I was sobbing my heart out. I said to myself "I should listen to music" but to my horror, I didn't want to. As hurt as I was before, my heart broke at the realization. I could feel it shatter over and over, settling to sand, only to break again. That was the first time in my life I had felt such pain. My chest actually hurt. I could feel the tears but the sounds of my crying had stopped. I was breathing weirdly, slowly exhaling air untill my breathing was replaced with a quiet, high, whine. Every time I tried to breath in I choked. I was so scared. I started to see black spots dotting my vision, growing bigger by the seconds. Suddenly everything went black and I sat up, blinking. I had blacked out. What felt like eternity had been a few seconds. After blacking out, my brain remembered how to breath and I had woken up.

               I will never forget the terror I felt in those horrifying seconds.

It's ok if you don't enjoy your passion sometimes. I love to sing, I work and practice for hours and still don't like the way I sound, I beat myself up for the tiniest mistakes. After that moment I worked harder and harder.

       I ended up losing my voice for 3 days, which sent me into a spiral of despair. I sang for 9 hours the day I got my voice back. (I'm not the smartest, but I couldn't help myself) after that I was scared to sing again, hating the way I sounded those 9 hours.

         A month later, I sang for the first time since that day. I felt alive again, my love and passion for music returing. It's okay if you need a break from your passion. You will most likely come back to it and still love it, and if you don't, that is fine.

I love you my darlings!