Adopted by Dear Evan Hansen: Could we go on For Forever?

I'm on the Ground

**Ryder's POV**

I was tense for our entire time in court. The fear that I might end up in Colin's care was enough to send my head spinning. Colin stated his case about how he should have custody over me because we were family and other lies, then Laura got to talk. She spoke about how I'd been living with her for a couple of months and we were happy. Mr. Iver gave his piece about how this had been the happiest he'd ever seen me since my parents died and then I was finally allowed to talk. I made it very, very clear that I had no interest in living with Colin, but my cousin's argument about being blood was a strong one. It was clear he'd been brushing up on lawyer TV shows in order to ruin my life.

"It is my decision that Ryder Elliana Lukassen will be put in joint custody between Colin Lukassen and Laura Dreyfuss," the judge announced after an hour.

"No," I jumped up, "NO!"

One of the bailiffs stepped over to me and tried to calm me down. I punched him in the face. Hard. He doubled over, holding his nose and backed away. At first, all I saw was red, then I realized what I'd done. I saw the blood on his hands and my eyes widened. The judge looked horrified, Colin looked impressed, and Laura looked concerned. Fight or flight took over. 'Fight' hadn't worked, so I ran. The heavy wooden doors of the courtroom swung shut behind me as I fled, diving under a table in an empty room and hugging my knees to my chest. I pushed my eyes against my knees as I cried.

"Ryder?" I heard a familiar voice - Laura. I wanted to answer her, but I couldn't. My voice wouldn't work. She heard my sobs, though, and crawled under the table with me, "Oh, Ryder," I felt her arms around me as she pulled me into a hug, which I gratefully accepted.

Laura kept murmuring words like, 'You're okay' and 'It'll be okay' and 'You're safe', but I couldn't pay attention. I had punched a bailiff and there was no way that that was going to be overlooked in my case. I was terrified of what was going to happen if we went back into the courtroom.

"Come on, Matrix," Laura kissed my forehead and wiped my tears, "It's okay, just breathe, okay?" I finally listened and breathed with Laura saying, "In... Out..." repeatedly. When my sobs had subsided to hiccups, Laura asked, "Why did you punch the bailiff?"

"I-I don't know," I mumbled, "I was, I was just so mad that, that the judge was making me go with C-Colin, and when I get angry I... I can't always control myself."

Laura kissed my head again and rubbed my shoulder, "It's okay, Ryder. It's okay."

I melted into the hug and cried on Laura's shoulder. She would run a hand over my head, kiss my hair, then repeat. The simplicity, stability, and consistency of the motions were calming. Laura had a knack for talking me down of the emotional and mental ledges I constantly put myself on when I was stressed or scared, both emotions I was feeling right now.

"I'm so exhausted," I managed to say through the tears, "So exhausted from trying to be stronger than I feel."

"You never have to pretend," Laura replied almost immediately, "You never have to pretend to be stronger than you are or anything else. I love you for you, not the people that you pretend to be. That's never going to change. Being strong doesn't mean that you don't get hurt or feel pain, it means that you don't let the hurt or pain break you," she cupped my face in her hands and pressed her forehead against mine before saying, "You, Ryder Lukassen, are the strongest person I know. Why don't we go back to the courtroom and whatever happens happens, okay? No matter what the judge decides, we will figure it out - together."

I nodded, not trusting my voice. Shoulder to shoulder, Laura and I crawled out from under the table and I saw the other bailiff waiting by the door. He gave me a sympathetic smile and a small nod before leading us to the courtroom. I paused at the door and tried to collect my bearings.

I jumped slightly as Laura took my hand and looked up at her green-hazel gaze. She gave me a supportive smile and squeezed my hand, "Everything will be okay. I love you, Ryder, remember that, okay?"

I gave her a small nod, "I love you, too."

Together, Laura and I walked into the courtroom and to the chairs we'd abandoned after I punched the bailiff, who was nowhere to be seen.

"Is the bailiff okay, Your Honor?" I asked softly and the judge nodded.

"He'll be okay, Miss Lukassen, but after your... episode... I have reconsidered my earlier verdict and amended it as I see fit."

My heart skipped a beat and I looked at Laura. She raised and lowered her hand under the table, reminding me to breathe and gave me a smile I knew meant, 'It's okay. We're okay'.

"Ryder Elliana Lukassen," the judge said, "It is the decision of this court that you shall spend two days in the New York City Juvenile Detention Center as punishment for assaulting a bailiff and when you're released, you shall be in joint custody between Colin Lukassen and Laura Dreyfuss. You shall spend three days a week with Mr. Lukason and four days a week with Ms. Dreyfuss."

I released a shaky breath and willed my voice to stay even, "Yes, Your Honor."

I gave Laura a hug and Colin a glare, then let the bailiff I hadn't punched put me in handcuffs and lead me through a back door in the courtroom. I wasn't worried about New York City Juvenile Detention Center as much as I should've been. It was a walk in the park compared to Stone River Juvenile Correctional Facility, where I had been when a few years ago. The NYC-JDC was called the Puppy-Pen in Stone River, or Hell as it was affectionately known.

I'd been through Hell - twice - so the Puppy-Pen would be a walk through the park. What I was worried about was what would happen after I got out.