the hating game ; lrh

forty

DESPITE CALUM'S CONTINUOUS INSISTING that I should stay at home and rest for a few more days, I decide to return to school on the immediate Monday following the accident.

Calum and Luke help me into the car, though I know I don't need it, but I'm sure the action makes them feel helpful. Despite his anger over the weekend, Calum has slowly but surely come to terms with the accident and has (somewhat) forgiven Luke for what happened, at least enough to  begin to return back to the same friendship they had prior to the crash.

Luke buckles my seatbelt in, earning an eye roll from me, as Calum climbs into the driver's seat.

"All good?" Luke asks, as if anything could possibly go wrong with buckling in a seatbelt.

I roll my eyes again, shooting Luke a playful smile. "It's a seatbelt," I remind him, though when he only stares blankly back at me, I change my approach. "Yes."

Luke nods once, satisfied, and shuts my door. I let out a sigh as I settle into my seat. Is this what the whole day is going to be like? Calum and Luke smothering me, not letting me think for myself? As soon as Luke climbs into the back seat and shuts his door, Calum starts the engine of the car and reverses.

As we drive along, the boys chatting amongst themselves, I begin to feel a ball of nerves build in the pit of my stomach. Something doesn't feel right, though I'm not quite sure what. Mentally, I focus on each injured part of my body to try and determine whether that is the cause of my discomfort — but nothing seems to be so.

Calum turns a corner a little too sharply, and I instantly grip the sides of my seat to steady myself, feeling my heart lurch at the action — that's it. I'm scared. I am scared of being in the car. I look up at my brother, but he is thankfully too focused on the road to have noticed my mild panic. I swallow, trying to conceal my fear. Why didn't this happen on the way home from the hospital? Perhaps the pain medication they had given me still had me too drowsy to even register what was happening.

My breathing begins to quicken and become more shallow, so I close my eyes and try to focus on even, deep breaths — but nothing seems to work. I have to get out of this car, I begin to tell myself. That is the only way to fix this. I can't be trapped inside this car again. Trapped. My seatbelt feels too tight. I grip the top and pull it forward, feeding it through to the bottom to try and loosen it, but the feeling doesn't subside. It's too tight.

Calum turns another corner, and to my absolute horror I see the same bridge that Luke and I had driven off in the accident before us. We are about to cross it. My breathing quickens again, and I feel like I am choking.

"Rory," Luke calls from the back seat, but his voice is muffled somehow. "Are you okay?"

We inch closer and closer to the bridge, and as we do so my panic rises impossibly more. Finally, I can't take it any more. "Stop the car!" I scream. I see Calum jump slightly in shock, but I am too frightened to care.

"Rory—" he begins, but I shake my head instantly.

"I have to get out!" I gasp, my voice shaking with every word. By now I am fully hyperventilating, my chest rising and falling but no air filling my lungs.

Calum casts me a sideways glance of concern, but complies and pulls off to the side of the road. The moment the vehicle stops moving, I unlock my seatbelt and practically fall out of the car. Much to my surprise, my stomach turns and vomit pours out of my mouth, my small breakfast of toast now a lumpy mess on the ground. Hands come behind me and sweep up my hair so that it is away from my mouth as I continue to throw up the small amount of food in my stomach.

"Is it the medication?" Calum asks from somewhere behind me, clearly confused as to what is happening.

When I am done throwing up, I begin gasping for air, still not feeling as though any is going into my lungs. Luke is holding my hair up, but drops it once I turn to him, my eyes filled with tears and my hands pressed to my chest as if it will help me breathe better.