XYXX (Camren)

Chapter 10

“Simon’s going to go ballistic when he sees this picture.” Dinah frowned, pushing her phone into Lauren’s face.

“And since when are you talking with Ariana?”

“Told you this was a bad idea.”

Lauren stayed lying down on his bed, staring blankly ahead at the ceiling as the girls poked and prodded for a reaction. A good thirty minutes after Camila stormed out of the room, the other girls rushed in, surrounding him on his bed and unleashing what felt like a siege against his character. Their words had no effect on him, since he already hated himself for all his decisions up to that point.

To be perfectly honest, he wasn’t sure why Camila was so mad at him. He also didn’t know why he felt so guilty. All he knew was that she thought he was being someone he wasn’t, and at this point, he wasn’t sure if she was all that wrong. There was just so much he didn’t understand about this body, if the thoughts and feelings he felt was even true to the person he really was – Lauren, the real Lauren – and it was driving him crazy.

“This is attention you really don’t need.” Normani said.

“Clearly.” Lauren said, finally sitting up on the bed. “This is shit I already know, guys. Can you guys please just... quit it?”

His voice hitched in his throat and a soft look passed on all of the girls’ faces. Dinah lowered the phone and placed her hand on Lauren’s back, giving it a soft rub. He felt the warm prickle of tears beginning to form in the corners of his eyes and he concentrated all of his will on stopping them from falling.

“Did something happen with Ariana?” Ally asked, frowning at the tormented look on Lauren’s face.

He shook his head no, blinking rapidly to keep the tears from spilling. When he felt the potential tears recede back, he shook his head one more time before speaking.

“No, look, there’s nothing going on between Ari and me right now. We’re just good friends.”

“Right now?” Dinah asked with a raise of her brow.

“I don’t know, okay? I just feel all kinds of things and I don’t know anymore. I barely had a grasp of my feelings and emotions and thoughts when I was, you know, Lauren but now it’s like learning an entirely new language when I haven’t even mastered the first.”

“You’re still Lauren.” Normani assured, sitting next to him on the bed. “You didn’t stop being Lauren just because your body’s changed.”

“But you don’t get it. It’s different. I’m different. You all think so. I know you all think so. Even Camila thinks so.” Lauren’s voice cracked as he felt the tears begin to well up again. “Maybe I should just accept t-the fact that I’m different now and just –“

“And just what, Lauren.” Normani pushed, voice hardened at the sight of her best friend’s words. “Fuck around with Ariana and blame it on the body?”

“Mani, just chill, dude’s hurting.” Dinah said.

“No, I won’t ‘just chill’. I’m frustrated as hell, okay? I feel like every time you come close to understanding something, Lauren, you take two huge steps back.” Normani said through gritted teeth. “I meant it when I told you to think.”

“You’re all acting like I’m some stupid ten year old. Well, I’m not!” Lauren yelled, tears freely trailing down his cheeks. “I’m so fucking done with this, all of this. You all act like I wanted this shit to happen, but I didn’t, so fucking leave me the fuck alone about it!”

He got off the bed, pushing Dinah aside and grabbing a leather jacket off a chair. Refusing to look behind him, he slammed open the door and stormed outside, wiping his eyes on his sleeve. His mind was nothing but a cesspool of confused thoughts and a lost, lost little Lauren trying to stay afloat through it, and having people screaming at him for not being able to swim was dragging him down. Not having Camila there to tell him to lie on his back and exhale was dragging him deep.