BACK ALLEY 15

NOAH, PT 2

trigger warning for sexual assault!

➵

you're hideous. i've always thought this, even when i liked you; craned my next to see you from the best angles, showed my friends pictures of only half your face. & yet i kissed you, anyway, in the LED pulse of your room, to a song i'm determined not to let your memory ruin. screwed my eyes shut and tried to dissolve into you because i was so desperate i forgot i deserved anything better than you could've ever offered.
you tasted sweet, at first. the thought of your body repulses me now but at the time, i let it be enough. my loneliness made it bearable. the lust drew me back. i could feel it froth over before i let you fuck me for the first time, fueled by a flame of closeness: you were my best friend (at least sometimes) and i cared. i trusted. i'd feel a warmth, a fondness when you spoke. i loved.
so i let you fuck me. gave my body, worthy of ravishing, to your useless hands, to the selfish pig only focused on himself; and i felt then what i feel now: used. but that time — THAT TIME — it was my fault, too, for lying there and letting the skin of your sweaty, awkward body slap and slide and stick onto mine, for keeping my mouth shut instead of stopping it like i wanted to because i thought i owed you somehow. and i want to scream at that coward on the floor of her bedroom, trying to dissappear, for thinking she must let anyone continue to touch her because that's what they're expecting, that it's her duty to grin and bear what's inflicted.
because i know now that when you act like that once the scum around you expects you to do it every time. because the next time we were in my room you insisted your mouth on mine when i said i want to go downstairs and you had your hands on my back and there was pressure on my chest because you were keeping me down. slowly crushing my breath even though i want to stop, even though i was lurching away and twisting, struggling against you the way i fight the villains in my nightmares: uselessly, my strength gone, tears rising. i wasn't just going to take it that time. you know you want to, you said, and i snapped no, i don't, and you yanked me back by the wrist and didn't give a fuck anyway.




there was this thing you said after you fucked me for the first time, over and over, gratefully: "you made me feel safe."

you make me feel sick.