Just a heads-up, I'm still working on the suggestions. It's going to take a while because of what's happening right now, but just keep in mind that I'm working on it. 🏳️🌈🏳️🌈🏳️🌈
2016
Yoongi knew he wasn't normal. He never felt comfortable with how he looked. The way his genitals felt between his legs or the way his chest felt so bare.
He hated it. He wanted a high pitched voice and breasts. He wanted long hair that ran down to his butt. He wanted to change himself.
He wanted to be a she
But, Yoongi couldn't tell anyone. Their manager, Sejin, was notorious in the company for being homophobic and transphobic. If he finds out, Yoongi's done for.
So he'll just have to hide it for as long as he can. But it's not that easy, due to the dysphoria.
Yoongi's POV
I look in the mirror in disgust. My body is just shimmering with masculinity.
I hate it.
The muscles. The dick. The short hair. Everything. It's not me. No matter what everyone keeps telling me.
I remember when I was about 13, I wanted to be feminine and when I told my parents, they pushed it off as a phase or something like that.
I'm too scared to tell anyone about this non-stop feeling, so I've been writing it down in a journal.
It's hidden in a very secretive place, in a small hole I found in the wall behind the toilet in mine and Jin's shared bedroom.
I usually start writing in it when Jin is in a deep sleep.
I'm heading out to my studio, like always. I say bye to the others and walk out the front door, getting myself ready for the hours of just sitting around that are awaiting my arrival.
Jin's POV
As Yoongi left, I noticed how spaced out he looked. This concerns me greatly. He has something on his mind. I can tell.
But, even if I did bring it up, he'll push me off to the side. He's been doing that since 2012. I highly doubt he's going to break that neverending cycle.
I walk off to my shared room. I had to use the restroom, but as I walked inside, I noticed a small black smudge on the wall behind the toilet.
I decided to look at it a little closer, only to find out that it's a hole. But there was something in it. It looked like...
A book.
I pull out the book and look at the writing on it.
Yoongi's secret journal it said in a dark blue marker.
I began flipping through pages, hoping to find the answer as to why he's so distant.
I begin reading the pages.
April 9th, 2010
I like the company. Everyone is so nice and the members are extremely beautiful. Except, there's one flaw.
The manager. He's transphobic. I'm scared about what will happen if he finds out.
The dysphoria also got worse. With this sad excuse of a body growing, I've been noticing more masculine changes. It honestly sucks.
Dysphoria?
May 25th, 2012
I hate myself. I hate everything about myself. And I hate the manager. Sejin is always on my nerves. He's been on my back for the longest time, seeing if I'm being feminine.
I'm probably gonna break soon. It sucks. I've been clean for 20 days. I haven't been cutting for a long time and they're healing. But if this keeps up, I probably won't make it to 29 days.
What does he mean by cutting?
June 1st, 2013
It's pride month. Even though it's called "pride" month, there's nothing I can do that makes me proud. My body isn't me.
It's not what I want. And what's worse is that I can't tell anyone. I resorted back to cutting. I don't know how much longer I can take this.
I should be in the parade. I should be walking with my lgbtq+ brothers, sisters, and everything in between. But I'm not.
Instead, I'm just sitting in the bathroom, crying.
He wants to be in the parades?
July 19th, 2014
I can't look in mirrors anymore, let alone full body mirrors. To relieve stress, I've resorted to some bad habits. For example, I've been cutting my wrists, arms, shoulders, thighs, and more.
This body isn't mine. I shouldn't be this masculine.
What does he mean by "this body isn't mine"?
August 28th, 2015
Sejin. Sejin. Sejin. Sejin is causing all of this. He's making me do this. It's his fault I can't be the women I was ment to be. "You need to be more masculine" well perhaps I don't want to be masculine! Perhaps I'm supposed to wear pink! Perhaps my assigned gender isn't what I actually am! Have you ever thought of that?! Sejin always thinks everything is about him! If I want to change my gender, it won't change anything about him! Why the fuck does he think that?! I'm so tired of this! If he doesn't stop soon, I might as well just chop my dick off with a guillotine! It's so stupid!
A women?
June 14th, 2016
I've been thinking about some feminine names for when I finally decide to be who I was supposed to be.
As long as Sejin doesn't rip it away from me, I've been thinking about renaming myself either Yoonji or Yunsook.
It depends on what happens and what seems more like me. I think Yunsook slips out better and it doesn't remind me of this sad excuse of a name.
This was made yesterday. Explains why he...she was so quiet. I need to talk to hi-her.
___________________________
Yoongi just got home. I should say something.
"Uh, Yoongi. Follow me really quick. We need to talk." I said. She gave me a weird look before following me to our room.
I closed and locked the door to insure more privacy as Yoongi sat on the bed. "So... Yoongi." I said as I grab the journal.
"I found this and-" "Don't Tell me you read it." She cut me off.
"Well, that's why I wanted to talk to you. Can you..roll up your sleeves."
"I promise I haven't been cutting recently." She responded.
"When was the last time you cut yourself?" I asked.
"April 4th." She responded.
"Okay. I just want to know something. What's your pronouns? He/him, she/her, or they/them?"
Yoongi paused for a second before responding. "She/her." She said softly.
I sat down next to her and held her close as she sniffled. "It's okay. You know you can tell me anything."
She began crying and pulled me closer. "Please don't tell anyone. I don't wanna get in trouble." She sobbed.
I held her tightly and said, "I won't say anything unless you want me to." She relaxed a bit before beginning to say something.
"If Sejin finds out, I'm done for." I shushed her. "If he tries to do anything to you, I'll protect you. You shouldn't fear being who you are. I'll always be here for you. I promise."
"Thank you." She mumbled.
"With that being said, what name should I call you?"
