"i'll believe in you even when i go blind."
i have a song stuck in my head
and the words are purple in the
back of my throat. and i listen to
it when i am falling in and out of
sleep. when i wake up to smoke a
cigarette next to my window.
a voice deep like a bass that makes
my knees feel weaker than beforehand.
i breathe out. "we don't have to talk.
i'm calling your phone." i tap the
tobacco from the end of my cigarette.
i feel like i want to cry.
my perfume is stale on
my wrists. and i'm wearing
my best friends sweat shirt.
i'm sipping a drink that will
give me a quicker heartbeat
later in the night.
"i'll fall into the ocean.
i might have to call again."
i'm not crying. i've cried
one too many times in this
position. at my window with
a cigarette while this song plays.
i sink my toes into the carpet.
i'm mad that i can't quite
figure out why this song
makes me feel this way
and fall into this habit.
"you can make me drown.
hold me tight."
i really like this feeling.
whatever it is. my stomach
doesn't turn at your name anymore.
this song would usually
remind me of you.
but it doesn't.
this song makes me want to
fall in love again. it makes me
want to get drunk with my friends
and laugh until i cry. it makes me
want to submerge myself into a deep
purple sunset. in the sand until
the waves consume me.
it makes me want to walk around
the nightlit city streets and look at
myself in the smashed store windows.
it makes me want to feel everything
other than what you made me feel.
i'm glad it makes me want to smoke
a cigarette at my window and fall
asleep. i like that i don't think of
you when i listen to songs like these
anymore. i'm glad i'm letting you go.
