If Life Were a Joke, I would be the Punchline

Fire

Izuku groaned as he came to. He glanced around his surroundings warrily, wincing at how bright everything was. He dug the palms of his hands into his eyes, desperate to hide from the light piercing his retinas. He could practically feel his eyes throbbing in his skull as he clenched them closed tightly. He had the mother of all headaches, and the blinding white of the room was not helping.

"You bet your ass it doesn't! Seriously, I just recovered from a head injury, now I have to deal with this shit? Man, it's been awhile since I've been unconscious. I forgot how annoying it is. Head injuries may make me spacey for a little while, and my mouth always feels like I ate a bag of cotton balls after, but waking up after being unconscious is even worse. Probably because it takes so much damage for me to actually be knocked out...usually...Shit, please tell me I dreamed that whole situation up."

It took a few moments for the pulsating pain to recede into a manageable dull throb. Izuku lowered his palms and opened his eyes cautiously, forcing his tense body to relax as he stared up at the white ceiling.

"Seriously, why does there have to be so much white!- Ah! Fucking ow! What the shit was that?!"

Now that the pain from the headache was gone, Izuku registered the feel of something warm on his chest, as well as tiny little needles going in and out. He lifted his head from the pillow and ended up face to face with a cat. His cat.

"So we meet again, Satan."

Izuku wasn't sure if it was the lingering head injury from this morning, or the after-effects from being unconscious, but he could swear the cat was smirking at him as she continued to pierce his chest with the little knives masquerading as claws. His injuries may heal quickly, but that didn't mean it didn't hurt. He had become numb, to an extent. He would never show signs of pain in front of an enemy, that was a weakness that could too easily be taken advantage of. No, it was better if they thought him immune to pain, an immortal monster they couldn't hope to ever defeat. But now? In the relative privacy of a hospital room with no one but his cat to see? He was allowed to be as whiny as he wanted.

"I am never whiny."

Yes you are.

"No, I'm- ugh! Satan, that one fucking hurt! Get off of me you little demon!"

Izuku sat up quickly, dislodging the cat in the process. Satan was not impressed. Izuku just scowled at the cat now sitting at the foot of his bed as he threw the sheets off of himself. He needed to get out of here before anyone came to check on him. He carefully stood from the bed, holding onto the rail until he sure sure his legs were steady. Satisfied that his balance hadn't been affected by this ordeal, he stretched his arms up high, leaning backwards over the bed. He let out a satisfied groan as he heard his back pop several times. He hadn't realized how stiff he had gotten. He must have been laying there for quite some time... Izuku patted himself down, checking to make sure his phone and wallet were still on his person. He was grateful that they hadn't put him in a hospital gown, it would make escaping so much harder. Satisfied with his search, Izuku finally turned around and took in the rest of the room. He froze when his eyes landed on another man.

"Shit, it wasn't a dream."

Nope.

"Fuck! Why'd they have to put us in the same room?!"

Out of the corner of his eye, Izuku caught sight of the items sitting on the table between the beds. Hero support items.

"Double fuck! He's a hero? Shit. This is not good. Like really super not good... Wait, those goggles, I know those goggles... Eraserhead?!! My-... My soulmate, who doesn't want me, is fucking Eraserhead?! It's official, my life sucks."