I try my hardest not to analyze the argument that just happened between Phil and his mum, but I can't help but think about how Phil sounded almost disappointed when he said I was straight. I raise my hand to my mouth and begin chewing on my fingers, pulling at the skin. But the last I heard, Phil himself was straight. So why did he sound hurt when he said I was too?
"Dan?" he calls softly, tapping on the door. "Could I come in?"
"Yeah," I respond, just as quietly, "It's your room after all." The door opens and I hear Phil chuckle softly. His eyes are shiny, with a glistening layer of tears over them. "Are you alright?" He sits on the bed beside me and nods, sniffling a small bit.
"I'm sorry you had to hear that... Things don't usually get as bad as they did just now," he sighs, wiping his face. "She's not-" his voice breaks.
"You don't have to explain anything to me, Phil. It's okay." I open my arms for a hug. "Come here." He chuckles, a tear escaping his right eye, and leans in to hug me. It's a long hug. The kind you get from an old friend you haven't seen in a long while. The kind you give your long-distance partner after months of not seeing each other. I smile gently when he pulls away and he returns the smile.
"I have to tell you something," we blurt at the same time. I bite my finger and he looks away, cheeks pink.
"Y-you first," I say softly. He nods silently and I can see in his eyes that he's trying to find the right words.
"My mum isn't very... accepting of me. As you probably heard... She's very... Traditional. And she expects me to be just like my older brother. Respected, well off, in a nice house, with a loving wife... He's the manager of some big shot office down in London... I'm not that, though. I'm not any of that. Hell, Dan, she doesn't even approve of the guys I've seen in the past-" he stops abruptly and my heart twinges. So he's not straight? He sighs and puts his head in his hands. "And there you have it. I'm gay." I look at him and then back down at my lap. "But that wouldn't matter to you, huh?" I sigh softly and look down. "Anyway, what was it you had to tell me?" My head snaps back up and I swear, in that instant, my heart stops beating altogether. Well now there's no going back, I suppose. I take a deep breath and wring my hands, trying to find the right words. "It's okay, Danny. You can tell me anything. Just come out and say it."
"It's not that simple, though, Phil..." I murmur. "I don't know how to explain it..."
Because how do I explain something like that to someone? Because how do I go about telling him without scaring him off? He looks at me patiently and with a caring expression on his face. I sigh deeply.
"I want to go on a walk tonight, if that's alright?" I ask quietly, making up my mind. Phil tilts his head slightly, a hint of fear creeping into his eyes. He closes them, lets out a breath, and nods. I nod and sigh shakily. "Oh... And.. uh... you're wrong.."
"Hm?"
"You're wrong," I repeat, closing my eyes. "I'm not straight." It's silent for a moment and I can feel him staring at me. "Are you going to say anything or are you just going to stare at me?"
"What is there to say?" he asks. I look at him, trying to find any emotion in his face. "That doesn't change the fact that you're my friend." My worries turn to disappointment again.
"Yeah.. Okay," I say softly.
No, I do not have a crush on Phil fucking Lester. Do you understand how much of the internet would hate me if they found out I do? I mean they're not going to hate me because I d--
"Hey are you okay?" Phil asks. I look up at him and nod. "Are you sure? You look sad."
"I'm-" I whisper. I swallow and clear my throat. "I'm fine. Promise." I look back down at my lap. There's a long, awkward pause. I lose myself in the stitching on my pants, counting the individual lines on them, but startle back to reality when a hand touches my knee. Not just a hand. Phil's hand. I stare at it.
"What's the matter?" he presses. I shake my head. "Dan."
"I said I'm fine, Phil, please don't push it. Please.."
I continue staring at his hand in silence.
"You're four years younger than me, Dan. Even if you did like me, we wouldn't be accepted by society..." he murmurs, rubbing his thumb back and forth across the fabric of my pants. I look up at him and find his eyes closed and his face slightly pink. My heart skips a beat and my breath hitches. "Besides, you're leaving at the end of the week, and long distance relationships never work out." I remain silent and still and allow him to think out loud. "You're different, though. I know that. And that's what would make the relationship less accepted."
"What do you mean by different?" I blurt, fear in my voice. His eyes spring open and the pink in his cheeks deepens to a bright red.
"You heard that?" I nod. "How much of it?" I shrug.
"What do you mean different, Phil?" I ask again, quieter. Phil makes a small, confused noise and then sighs.
"I picked up your bag and a moon chart fell out of it," he says quietly. My eyes widen and my heart skips a beat. "Why do you have a moon chart?" I fidget with the hem of my shirt and try to think of a clear answer. Phil is quiet, patiently waiting for a response. "Tonight's a full moon," he coaxes. I nod. "Is that why you wanted to go on a walk tonight?" Another nod. I avoid looking up at him and focus on the checkered bed sheet beneath us. "Dan, it's alright. You know that?"
"How?" I choke out. "How is it even remotely alright?" There's a sigh, breaking the silence that follows.
"Dan, it doesn't make you a bad person-"
"It doesn't make me a person, period, Phil!" I exclaim, tears pricking my eyes. "So how is it-"
And then he's hugging me. I stiffen, my heart beginning to race. His arms are around my shoulders, but I think that's only because I didn't move my arms to let him hug my waist.
"It's alright, Dan."
