The Sadness Feels Heavier Underwater

CHAMBER OF REFLECTION - denver

We lie back on Ollie's bed, flicking the remaining pizza crumbs off the faded Cadillacs and Mustangs that covered his ancient stained bedcovers, letting the grimy drawl and peculiar strength of Craig Nicholls vocals surround us in Ollies tiny collaged room.

His room had always been completely covered in posters, ever since he was a kid. I can still remember back to when they were all images from whatever cartoon was the biggest fad, and the torn pictures of his various dream pets were scattered across the walls. Over the years, the content of those pictures had changed and grown. Now they were posters of the latest skate legends, horror movies and cliche skate musicians. 

I guess most people would say that our love of music is the main reason we're friends, but to be honest I don't think so...I'm not completely sure why we're so close, but we just are. And it's not the music, I know that. It's just been like this for as long as I can really remember, and we've told each other everything, shared everything, done everything, TOGETHER. 

But lately I feel like there's something he's not telling me.

I almost feel like I can match a time to it. It was around 2 or so years ago, about the same time he turned 14. Most other people wouldn't be able to tell if anything was up, but I'm sure of it. It felt almost like he was holding his breath, like he was stepping on paper thin glass that would break at any moment. He was keeping himself locked out of the world, setting up stacks of planks in his garage so he wouldn't have to go to the skate bowl, skipping soccer practice with endless lists of excuses. I think part of the reason could have been he ex-girlfriend, but they were in year 8, it's not like it would have made much of a difference.

I didn't really think he ever liked her that much anyway. He dumped her right after their first kiss at the school social. He ran right out the door and rung me up to ask if he could come home to mine for the night. 

I was never really the kind of person to go to a school social, still not. Too many people. Ew. All the hot guys that go are straight anyway, with these hyper-energetic, fake looking girlfriends so there really isn't much point. I usually just sit at home listening to some emo or punky shit like Green Day or The Vines and try to convince my 14 year old brother not to make me watch Love, Simon again. I know it's like 'gay culture' or something, but seriously...one time is enough.

My brother is bisexual, mainly into guys though. Funny that. I always thought that it would be totally weird for our parents to have 2 gay sons. My brother Lee's whole friendship group is pretty much just made up of queers, but I don't really know anyone in my grade that's gay. Or at least, anyone that's open about it.