Blood in the water [Kakairu]

Don't cut yourself on my edges

// if you make an inappropriate comment during the panic attack I'm legally allowed to murder you

Anyone else forget Kakashi is supposed to be weak as fuck still bc I did 🥴, I'll make something up next chapter //

Iruka knew Kakashi would come to him when he wanted to. Sure, he was a little disappointed when his hospital room was empty but he knew he'd show up eventually. He'd thought a lot about what had happened while waiting for him to be done with Tsunade. He'd come to the conclusion that it was his fault after all. He was loud and abrasive and wasn't very good at respecting people's boundaries. He'd pushed Kakashi away trying to get closer to him. Iruka didn't know what Kakashi had been through, he'd heard the rumors and the whispers, but in the end thats all they were. That night had given him a glimpse into his head, if that was just what he was comfortable sharing then the rest must be even worse. He was helping Kakashi heal his back but more importantly, Iruka wanted to help heal his soul.

So Iruka was going to back off. He couldn't help Kakashi if Kakashi didn't recognize he had a problem and wanted to fix it himself. He was sitting inside his living room reading when a soft knock resounded on the door. He put the book down and sent his chakra out, feeling it brush against Kakashi's. "It's open." He called out.

The door opened slowly and Kakashi stepped inside. He looked wearily at Iruka who was focused on his book and didn't even look up when the door shut and he sat down across from him.

"Iruka-"

"Yes? There's some take out in the fridge if you're hungry"

"Iruka, I wanted to talk"

"I'm listening" he flipped the page

Kakashi made an aggravated noise and the novel was ripped from his hands.

"Now."

Ok, that got Iruka's attention. He looked up to see both of Kakashi's eyes. The sharingan was spinning lazily.

"Kakashi, close your eye"

"No"

The staring contest continued for another minute before Iruka looked away, mildly uncomfortable.

"I'm sorry" Kakashi started

"Look, it wasn't your fault I shouldn't have pushed you"

"No Iruka, it was my fault, its always my fault. But I pretend it isn't. I deflect my hurt, I deflect my feelings and the blame. I tell myself I can't be responsible for anymore"

Iruka opened his mouth but Kakashi shook his head.

"I need to get this out. I joined ANBU at 13, I think its safe to say my head is maybe a little fucked up" he laughed harshly.
"I watched everyone I love get taken from me and I was powerless to stop it. I have so much self hatred bottled inside that when I get fatally injured I tell myself I deserve it. That night my hand was bleeding because I made it bleed. I hurt over and over again as some kind of sick masochistic atonement. And when someone like you, someone who doesn't know me - doesn't know the monster I really am. Someone who stays inside the village and doesn't watch people's lives drain from their eyes over and over again, doesn't feel a person's heart stop beating in their fist over and over again. Someone who is so stable and trusting and clean. I can't"

He takes a breath

"I'm stuck in the past. This-" he motions to the sharingan

"won't let me move forward, it won't let me forgive myself. Sometimes I wish I could rip it out, give it back to my dead friend, but that would be selfish. Konoha needs it, and Konoha needs me. I will be the sword for a land that wants peace but wages war. Even though the third war ended years ago there's a part of me that holds it inside me, because its all I've ever known. But that isn't an excuse. You deserve something better. And I want to be better"

He leans forward and puts his head in his hands, pushing the sharingan closed.

"The voices won't leave me alone they scream and scream over and over again. Filling every sleeping and waking moment with suffering. I'm forced to see death and feel the blood gushing over my hands. I- I can't touch you with these bloodied hands Iruka, I can't hope to kiss you with these poison stained lips. I can't love you when all I've done is destroy. But Tsunade was right, I can't let you get put on that stone and not tell you how I feel, I cant go through that again"

Iruka hadn't moved since he'd began, he hadn't expected Kakashi to spill his heart and he definitely hadn't expected the love confession. He touched his cheek where tears had started to slip out.

"Kakashi I don't know what to say"

He watched as the man in front of him started heaving and his breathing quickened. The tears turned to choking sobs.

That startled Iruka enough to jump up and to his side.

"Fuck, Kakashi stop ok, just breathe with me" He gently pulled Kakashi's hands which were covering his face off and around his waist, guiding the panicking jonin into his embrace.

"I'm sorry Iruka I-I don't-"

"Shhh its ok just breathe ok? In ---- Out--- just like that"

He counted his breathes out loud until Kakashi stopped hyperventilating.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yes"

They stayed like that for a bit longer. Iruka let Kakashi use him to stabilize himself. He felt him hug him a harder, like he was afraid he would vanish. Iruka felt his heart pang.

"Do you get panic attacks often?"

"sometimes. its usually after the nightmares" came the muffled reply

"Thank you for trusting me. I'm so sorry you've been dealing with this by yourself, but-"

Kakashi untangled himself from Iruka.

"I may stay in the village all the time, but I have been on missions. I know I'm teaching kids to go out and kill one another. We all have blood on our hands, we're shinobi.  I don't think any less of you or view you as a monster. It hurts me knowing you think of yourself that way"

He looks away, his breathing picking up again.

"I'm not mad at you, please just look at me" their eyes meet again. Iruka wipes away the tears coming from the sharingan.

"You're a good person Kakashi, you protect so many people. We're only human you know, we can't get it right every time"

"I know"

"Mizuki almost killed Naruto- almost killed me and left me with this horrible scar. After T&I interrogated me, I couldn't stop blaming myself. I figured I should have been able to tell, I should have known that my lov- my friend was plotting against the village but I had no clue and I beat myself up over it. He was his own person I couldn't control him. We live in a sick reality" Iruka sighed

"What I'm saying is that the only person our blame is hurting is ourselves. I'm sure the people that you loved wouldn't want you to wallow in misery over them forever" When he was met with silence he clasped his hands together and smiled.

"I'll have to thank Tsunade"

Kakashi tilted his head.

"I'm glad she made you confess because I would not have been able to" Iruka laughed as a blush spread across Kakashi's face.

"Yes I didn't just suddenly forget that part, I agree that you're not ready right now, you definitely need help, probably therapy. But we can work on that, ok?"

He nods slowly.

"Now, let's get some food into you, I'm sure you just exhausted yourself"