My Real Fairy King

Hyde-Saving the Day

"But I'd like to think that if our paths ever crossed again I'd be able to give you twenty dollars and you'd be able to dance for me and it wouldn't be awkward", I tell Sam, not quite sure how to feel. "I'd like that" she says, and I pull her into an embrace. Marriage is for losers who are too afraid to be alone, but I have to say it wasn't always bad with someone as low maintenance as her. Then again, anyone probably was good after that crazy pygmy bitch I dated before her. I swear, I was high on stuff other stronger than pot the entire time I was with Jackie. "Bye" Sam tells me. "See ya" I say, and she's off. I close the door to the muffler shop behind her. The old Hyde is back, single as I should be.

"You all right?" Red asks. "Yeah". "Let me tell you something, son. I dodged a lot of bullets in Korea, but not one as crazy and blonde as the one you just side-stepped". "It's weird, man. I feel nothing. It's kind of like it never happened". Red chuckles a little. "Yeah, Steven, you've never been one for love, huh? Unlike that dumbass son of mine. There was a brief time when I thought you fell into the trap like the rest of us. But clearly you've proven to be your own man". I chuckle, but the smile slowly leaves my face as I realize what he's getting at. I sigh, not understanding my long buried hurt. "Red, is this about Jackie?" He doesn't say anything. We just look tensely at each other for a while. Finally he sighs and opens his mouth. "Look, Steven, all I know is that while you were dating her, you smiled from time to time. You even came to dinner with those dumb glasses off once a week. I haven't seen you do that since. But forget I said anything, okay?. "Red, lay off, okay? I didn't love Jackie. I could hardly stand to look at her. I wish I could erase that part of my life when I was freaking dating her but all I hear is high pitched shrieking". "Whatever you say, Steven", he says, shrugging. I get out of there before I can erupt more at the man who has taken me in and drive off.

The car engine accelerates noisily with my anger Red has stirred up inside of me. For some reason, I can't make myself go home since it reminds me of her. I drive aimlessly around the surrounding towns as night begins to fall. I can't stand to think about Jackie, but like the tick she is herself once I start the thought of her leeches into me and I can't stop. How the hell did I fall for the most annoying person in Point Place and probably the world? How did I give her a million chances when she clearly just wanted to get back with Kelso? I want to explode thinking of all the crap I did for her over the years. Taking her to prom. Going to JAIL for her. Punching a guy who called her a bitch when I should have just laughed because he was right. Not to mention the million stupid dances, Girl Scout pancake breakfasts, presents and what ever other stupid shit I had to do for occasional sex while we were dating. What a scam relationships are. But that doesn't even hurt in comparison to the feeling I can't state. I lied to Red. I really did love her. I'm thinking of how the government could have possibly gotten into my mind and made me a pansy that cared about the most annoying chick I'd ever met when I hear a familiar scream further down the dark road in front of me. The sound almost makes me lose my lunch. I recognize Jackie's car and I do lose my lunch. My thoughts become history and the next exchange takes over any fleeting thought I could possibly have. Momentarily, I forget my hatred for her and it is replaced by the feeling I don't like to admit I feel, too.

"No, for the last time, I'm not doing it with you! Make my life miserable, I don't care! Stalk me! Steal my cute pictures of myself! I don't give it up to guys like you, so get lost you creep!" she says, kicking him repeatedly in the shin. He just laughs, unfazed, and moves closer to her. "Yes you are. You're just a spoiled little girl that couldn't do a thing for herself, so you're going to do this to me. Come on, you know you want me baby", he says smugly. Jackie's eyes widen with terror. "And what will you do if I don't?" He laughs menacingly. "I will-" That's when I don't let him finish his sentence. I run out of my car and punch the random asshole out cold, about a hundred times harder than I punched Chip years ago. "Steven?" "Come on, let's get away. I'll come back for your car. I don't want him following you again". For once, she wordlessly follows me to the El Camino and I pull away at seventy miles an hour.

Even in the car, my usual urges to yell at her are strangely suppressed. When we have driven for a long time and I have checked twenty times no one is following us, I look at her and sigh. "So...he didn't do anything right?" She sighs, but I notice she is trembling a bit. "No, don't worry. I'm fine. But thank you. You might have even saved my life", she says genuinely, like there is so much more to say but doesn't. She doesn't give me the knight in shining armor look I was on the receiving end of after punching Chip and she was younger and immature, but instead I get a deep look of pain masking something else deeper. A feeling I pushed down and wanted to ignore, but something I recognize since I know her so well. I want to push her out of my car, tell her to get lost and stop always needing me. I also want to stroke her hair, to hug her, talk to her in the girly ass baby voice I'd save for her during the period of my life I shudder to think about, to hold her and never let go. But in the real world, I'm Hyde and my emotions don't exist. I shrug and nod like it isn't a big deal. "Do you know him?" I ask. "Why do you care?" she asks carefully. I roll my eyes, annoyed. "Jackie, I'm trying to help". She sighs. "Okay, yeah, he used to work with me". "He didn't look like the cheese guy you frenched while you were dating Kelso" "No, no. My looks have never caused this kind of havoc before. He worked for Christine St. George too. I was lonely and he seemed like a decent guy at first. I broke it off because I realized I was just-you know-well, it wasn't really him I was interested in. And I was fired so I'd be harder to see him anyway. He didn't take it very well. He tried to throw Christine's coffee mug at me and said he was going to come find me. I just knew I needed to get out of there. Honestly, I was scared he'd figured out where I lived since I caught him looking through my mail. It had been a few weeks, so I was starting to worry less." "So how did this happen?" I ask. 

"Well then on my way back from the salon, I decided to stop at the post office since my stupid mother sent me a check. She doesn't know me anymore. Like that will make up for her running off. But anyway, I was on my way back and I guess I was driving in the wrong place at the wrong time..." Holy shit. This guy sounds crazier than her. I had no idea she was kind of seeing someone, but I guess we aren't exactly friendly exes. She trembles for real this time but never cries, and for some reason her bitchy rich girl exterior fades away and I see little glimmers of the Jackie I loved, the Jackie I almost married. I forgot how strong she is. My mind stops and I put my arm around her. "Look, Jackie...I'm here for you okay? I always will be". With this, she puts her arms around me and finally begins sobbing like a wave waiting to break, just like she did when she first broke up with Kelso. This goes on for a while and I just let her, let her lose herself in me because I never could take her crying, but then finally she sighs and looks up at me, shaking her head. "Steven, that was one of the most romantic things I've seen in my life and it was for me. How could you be so nice to me? You laughed when I fell into the creek last week. You got married to get away from my infectious spell. You hate me.  Look, can you just drive me home, please?". I scoff at her and turn away, but she continues. "But I appreciate what you did. You know that thing I said last week, about you never doing the gentlemanly thing, that wasn't true, okay? That's true much of the time. You never bought me an emerald necklace or even earrings. But not never. When it matters, Steven, you're a good guy. If you didn't hide it ninety percent of the time maybe we could have worked".  I sigh and say. "Whatever. Jackie, we didn't work",  fighting back the hurt and anger and lust and head in the direction of the apartment she shares with Fez. But I don't stop thinking about her.