Dust

| EPILOGUE |

I was just a kid buying cigarettes by the load, hoping the smoke would burn holes in my lungs. She was always the type to get buried in the sunshine. Not sure which one deserved to make it out alive, but here we are. Still listening to songs from 2014, there's still meaning behind the words, I can't seem to let this go.

I know what compulsive lying does to you. I have flashbacks to things that never occurred. Does it happen to other people? Tell me what do you see?

Dove my feet in scorching hot sand like it wasn't burning up my shins, engaged in conversations that highlighted youthful indiscretions. But god damn, I was just a precocious kid, burying my head in the ground. I wanted to be part of it, control the crowd with my irony. And the snakes would start to circle around me, snickers held out until lunch break came.

I learned to scream something new, before insanity crashed every dam I built and the tears came crashing down. A heartfelt moment after dinner at the foot of a king-sized bed. I can't do that again. I'm too old to feel the same type of cold I felt as I was about to drop out of college so long ago.

With the of intentions, I made my way through the debris, let the sorrow sink into me. There's a graveyard of all the versions of the same person, and it is pitiful. Sometimes I come by before I fall asleep to have a reason to wish to wake up the next day.

Mainly, I stopped wishing I could die by someone else's hand. Came to realise that if I'm too weak to pull the trigger, chain myself to the anchor or let the blade dig deeper, maybe it's just not meant to be. Have to live within four walls of depression and pretend I am okay until the end comes naturally.

Steady stream of trying my hardest to hope my heart keeps beating. Read everything about endorphins and dopamine, playing with my brain chemistry up to the point where I'm more legos than bones.

It would be a lie to say I'm not waiting for the southern down pour to come destroy everything we've built in the past couple of years. But I'm still here. Darling I'm not well, but I'm still here, and isn't that worth something?