Sunken Promises

Kabanata 12

I left his doorstep without a word. Hindi ko na kinuha pa ang charger ko dahil kapag pumasok pa ako roon ay makakaistorbo pa'ko. Naglakad na lang din ako pauwi dahil ayaw kong magsayang na naman ng perang pang-taxi. I mean, I already went shopping yesterday. I shouldn't keep burning cash. Kahit malakas ang ulan ay nagpasya akong maglakad na lang.

I suddenly felt something weighing me down as I was walking. Nasaktan ako nang sobra sa nakita ko kanina pero walang kahit isang luhang lumalabas sa mga mata ko. It honestly feels so weird. Nagsimula ring mamanhid ang katawan ko.

If Lauren is really his girlfriend, then what am I to him? Is he just playing with me? Ilusyon ko lang ba ang lahat nang isipin kong mahal niya talaga ako? Was everything actually a lie?

Aside from the pain, I felt an unfamiliar rising heat inside me. Is that anger? Oo, naiirita ako kung minsan pero kahit kailan ay hindi ako nagalit. Am I mad at him? At her? At them? Hindi ko alam. All I know is that I probably looked so stupid.

I gave in easily. At his small gestures, I gave in. When he celebrated Christmas with me because he found out that I was alone, when he didn't follow our other friends to Cebu, when he told me that he loved me, I felt special. To him. It turns out, what I felt is just a mere feeling. It isn't real.

Hindi naman na ako dapat magulat 'di ba? Everything felt too surreal. Una pa lang ay mahal na niya ako? Just how much of an idiot am I to believe that stupid lie? I read books and what he said is such a cliche. If only I realized sooner!

Lauren seemed to be his girlfriend from the beginning. When I saw them at the bar, it was obvious that they were together. The way they look at each other's eyes seems different to me. Ginawa pa talaga akong kabit! Or was it 'side chick'?

Sana ay hinayaan na lang niya ako kay Keith. He should have just stopped his small gestures which made me fall inevitably. Hindi ko na napigilan kahit anong gawin ko!

Saktong pagkapasok ko ng gate ay bumuhos ang malakas na ulan. It was pouring hard but I found comfort in it. I sat down on the bermuda grass and hugged my knees. I stayed like that for a while. Remembering everything that he told me, I cried.

It felt like every tear that escaped my eye was a lie he said. Tears shamelessly cascaded on my cheeks but I couldn't feel it. All that I could feel right now was pain, and the rain embracing me.

My body felt heavy when I decided to get inside the house. My breath also felt hot but I didn't mind it. I took a warm shower and changed into one of the oversized hoodies I bought yesterday. It was a plain khaki one. I also wore white cyclings underneath.

Nakaramdam ako ng matinding pagkahilo pagkatapos kong magpalit. I also felt like throwing up. Sumakit na rin ang ulo ko at lalong uminit ang hininga ko. Hindi ko pa rin ito pinansin at inisip na lang na baka dala ito ng antok kaya naghanap muna ako ng extra charger dito sa kwarto bago nagdesisyong umidlip na.

Hindi ko alam kung saan nanggaling ang nakita kong charger sa likod ng study table ko pero kinuha ko na lang iyon at chinarge ang cellphone ko. Luckily, it works!

I felt worse when I woke up. I ran to the common bathroom downstairs to vomit even when I felt really dizzy. I felt like my body temperature rose so I looked for the thermometer in my bedroom to check my temperature.

38.9

I have a fever! Damn it!

I took a picture of the thermometer and sent it to Andrick. It's ironic that I took a pre-med course but I don't even know how to take care of myself. Actually, you don't have to study anything to know how to take care of yourself. It's basic knowledge! Am I that stupid?