Sunken Promises

Kabanata 14

I saw shock and some other unknown emotion in his eyes. Something familiar yet so hard to determine.

Is that Chrystel important to him? Does she play a bigger role in his life than me?

My thoughts didn't do any good to my anxiety. I was so scared. To lose him and to let my emotions get the best of me once again. Baka kung anu-ano na naman ang pagsisihan ko pagkatapos. 

At the same time, what if Chrystel actually owns a place in his heart? A place way larger than what I own. Paano kung mas importante pala siya kaysa sa'kin? 

I shrugged my thoughts off. I should trust him! I've heard about trust, being the foundation of a relationship. Hindi dapat ako nag-iisip ng kung anu-ano tungkol sa kaniya. In other words, dapat akong magtiwala sa kaniya! 

Well, I just hope so. Na hindi siya mawawala sa'kin. Na wala lang 'yong si Chrystel. Sana lang talaga.

"Tell her to get lost, Aiden," nahimigan ko ang lungkot sa boses niya. "Alam mo na dapat 'yon."

Why does his tone make me slowly believe my thoughts? Damn. Stop this, please.

Ramdam ko ang unti-unting pamamanhid ng katawan ko. My heart was racing and I was sweating bullets due to so much nervousness. Lalo na nang i-alis niya mula sa pagiging loudspeaker ang tawag. At hindi ko na halos kayanin ang bugso ng mga damdamin ko nang tumayo siya at nagpaalam.

He didn't want me to hear him answer Aiden. I have a really bad feeling about this. 

Pilit na ngiti ang iginawad ko sa kaniya nang makabalik siya. I tried to act normal even though nervousness was slowly taking over my system.

"Do you have to go?" pinilit kong ikalma ang sarili ko nang tanungin siya.

"I'm not going anywhere," marahang aniya. He reached for my right hand and held it gently. "Don't worry, okay?"

"But it looks important," sabi ko at nag-iwas ng tingin. "I think you should go."

Hindi ko alam kung papaano ko nagawang magbitaw ng mga salitang labag naman sa kalooban ko. Sa totoo lang, ayaw ko siyang umalis. I want him to stay here with me. I want us to get back to his unit together. I want him to be by my side!

But I don't want to be selfish. I don't want to be insensitive. I don't want to be toxic.

Kung gugustuhin niyang puntahan iyon, then I'll let him. Kahit masama ang kutob ko roon, hahayaan ko siya. Kung kailangan talaga, kung gusto naman niya, hahayaan ko siya.

"Is my baby pushing me away?" the softness in his voice was too much to resist. But then, hindi pwede.

"Of course not..." I looked at him. "Gusto mo ba'ng pumunta?"

This time, he was the one who looked away. He remained silent and slowly let go of my hand.

Ouch...

"Gusto mo naman 'di ba?" I held my tears back.

"Fine, but you're going with me-"

"No," putol ko rito.

"Lyzel..."

Wait... Why is he calling me by my name?

Arius, masakit pero, "Papayagan kitang pumunta ro'n. Don't worry."

Napatingin siya sa'kin, tila ba'y hindi makapaniwala.

It was clear that he wanted this. He was just waiting for my approval. Siguro ay iniisip niya lang na baka kung ano na naman ang isipin ko. Maybe, for him, I was a reason to hold back from somehing, or rather, someone he really wants.