Purple Rain

4

A month ago...

They sat on the bench, both trying so hard not to feel awkward, but it was an exercise in all things hopeless and undeniable. Jiwon tugged at his jacket, not feeling cold, just defensive, as Junhoe crossed his long legs, pretending to admire the view of the river, foggy from the onset of autumn's chill. The waterline was calm and even the cries of the seagulls seem muted today. Junhoe had started the morning filled with resolution; breakfast, texting Jiwon, shower and then waiting for Jiwon's reply which came at a good two hours' later because they were always sleep deprived and any rest they could get at the dorm meant sleeping in till afternoon. Only Junhoe had been way too excited to sleep in. He had decided that today was a good day to tell Jiwon how he had felt for the last four years.

"I have something to tell you." Junhoe finally said after almost fifteen minutes of silence, broken only by chilled breaths and the tapping of Jiwon's feet encased in sneakers.

"Yeah. I'm listening." Jiwon muttered nervously.

"You know how everybody is always saying we are awkward with each other?" Junhoe started. Jiwon's tapping feet had increased significantly.

"I think...that's just how we are, you know?" Jiwon responded, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His lips were suddenly way too dry. He was good at a lot of things, but not this.

"Well, I think it's more than that." Junhoe quickly replied. "Maybe, if we try to find more common ground for these feelings that are unspoken..."

"Feelings?" Jiwon countered, chuckling gruffly, gazing down to the cobbled ground, trying to steel himself. "You seem to be keeping some." Jiwon added and Junhoe smiled nervously. There was something fastidious and uncomfortable about Jiwon's manner now, something that was almost cold.

"You must know then...that...I...love you, hyung." Junhoe breathed it all out. Jiwon blinked, turning to gaze at Junhoe, looking slightly shocked.

"Well, I love you too." Jiwon stated.

"I mean, I love you." Junhoe repeated, this time emphasising each word.

"Oh?" Jiwon realised where this was going. "Junhoe..." He began.

"Please, hyung, you don't have to reply to me with the same candour." Junhoe interjected. "I just felt it was time I stopped hiding behind my feelings."

"Junhoe...I cannot love you the way you expect me to." Jiwon declared through gritted teeth, the smile plastered across his lips, not quite reaching his eyes. The smile Junhoe flashed in return was calm and beatific, but if Jiwon had looked closely into his eyes, he would have seen the pain that was slowly dilating the pupils of those soft brown eyes. Perhaps, it was best that he did not.

"Of course, hyung, I was not expecting you to. I just...wanted to have my feelings out, because it was so...stifling." Junhoe stuttered slightly, without choking or displaying any emotion. They went back to the dorm, as silently as they had arrived at the river. Both went into their respective rooms and in the comfort of his own bed, Junhoe let his tears pour as quietly as the cold breeze that had begun its relentless sweep across the river. He cried and for the next few days, he indulged in drinking heavily and most days he ended up drunk-crying, but he never uttered a word to Jinhwan, who could only witness his tears and remain clueless over what was the cause. 

Up until he coughed that first petal, Junhoe had unknowingly tortured himself silently, suffering in the quiet of his adoration, with no will and reason to live other than to carve Jiwon's name into his heart. He had pined, written, sung and done just about anything he needed to love that there was simply no room or space for his love to go except to flower, and flower it did, literal-fucking-ly.