Purple Rain

5

Hanbin pulled Jiwon out by the arm before he could even step into the ward. Junhoe had drifted off to a deep sleep as he recounted his confession to Hanbin, a mess of tears and petals but looking so beautiful to Hanbin all the same.

"What the fuck?!" Jiwon exhaled in surprise and stifled his exclamation when the nurses at the corridor shushed him. Hanbin dragged him all the way to the staircase, purposely releasing him against the wall a little too roughly. "What's come over you?!"

"You asshole!" Hanbin released his rage unequivocally in the privacy of the corridor, it bounced and echoed back from the hollowed landing, surprising Jiwon, who would on any other occassion would have protested, except he really did not know what he did wrong this time.

"Waeyo?!" Jiwon brooded, lips pursed, brows furrowed as if ready to throw his own tantrum. 

"It's your fault that he is this sick! It's because of you that he's dying!" Hanbin fumed, grabbing Jiwon by the collar and shaking him vigorously in irrational fury. Something passed over Jiwon's face. It was not quite anger, just as much as it was some sort of a frustrating realisation.

"What do you mean because of me?" Jiwon countered as Hanbin's grip on his collar loosened and he heaved an exhale; as if the fight, the anger broiling within him had somehow fled from him as easy as it had arrived. "Hanbin, what are you saying? Is Junhoe sick because of me?" It was Jiwon's turn to grab Hanbin by the collar now. His voice suddenly lit with emotions; questioning and filled with a sense of panic. "Damn it, Hanbin, Chanwoo told me he is spewing flowers from his mouth. Is it because of me?!" He raised his voice. Hanbin slithered against the wall down to the floor, fingers raking his hair back, tears culminating in his eyes.

"All you had to do is love him back." Hanbin whispered in defeat. Jiwon did not even bother to grip anymore. The hushed resignation in Hanbin's voice explained it all. Jiwon punched his fist against the wall in instinctive retaliation.

"FUCK! FUCK! FUCK!" Jiwon screamed, his face now flushed with fuming anger, the veins on his neck appearing, because he was clenching his jaw so tightly. "You told me..." Jiwon argued.

"I know what I told you!" Hanbin was crying now. "I know...and I blame...I blame... myself for it." He sobbed in between the words, because his emotions were rushing head on out of him, with very little control, overpowering his rational thinking. "I didn't expect him to suffer this much for it. He must truly..." Hanbin replied in a barrage of words he barely even gave thought to. 

"Love me. He really does." Jiwon completed the sentence, tears running freely from his eyes. He began wiping them urgently with the backs of his hands. "Hanbin...you asked me to hold back, I can't now." Jiwon whispered into the hollowed silence more than to the dejected figure slumped on the floor. "You know I love him but you..."

"I held you back." Hanbin's voice was muffled because his hands were covering his face now, Jiwon was not sure if it was because he was ashamed or disappointed with himself. Probably both, if Jiwon knew him the way he would, being his best friend and all. "I told you to refrain from telling him the truth."

"You did not want things to become complicated. Your words." Jiwon reminded him firmly, without holding anything back now. "You said, if I started something and hurt him, it would affect the group. You said so. " Jiwon's words were almost accusatory. "It was more than that, wasn't it?" He surmised now in the quiet of this unsettling silence.

"At this moment, it doesn't matter. Go to him now. Tell him you love him and that you always have too. Ka." Hanbin urged, still crying, making no attempt to stop or even wipe his tears. Jiwon gazed at Hanbin in uncertainty. Hanbin, his best friend, who had always been there for him over the years. His leader, who had to become an adult in an accelerated manner, who was forced to be wise for the sake of his team. The same Hanbin who told Jiwon more than a month ago, not to let his emotions cloud his judgement. That if he did decide to admit his true feelings to Junhoe, he would put the dynamics of their team in jeopardy. Jiwon had listened and had reluctantly accepted. Even when Junhoe was confessing to him, Jiwon could barely allow himself to completely accept his own heartbreak, trying not to take into account the confession and how badly he wanted to accept it, embrace Junhoe and maybe if time had allowed, even kiss him for the first time. He had cried into his own pillow, whilst Junhoe had been wallowing in his own grief next door. "Ka, Jiwon-ah. I cannot bear to see him suffer this way any longer."