Beaming Through It All

Chapter Fifteen

After that night, I had first felt very guilty, because Jill seemed to be in a worse state than ever before and after all I was the one who had encouraged Katie to talk to her. But a couple of days later, I bumped into Jill as I was leaving the bathroom and she hugged me.

'Thanks,' she whispered. 'I know what you did.'

I wasn't sure she really knew, for without me she wouldn't know the truth and would probably feel better. Still feeling bad, I decided to tell her everything.

'Erm, Jill, I don't know what you think I did, but the truth is I went to Katie the other night and told her to tell you everything.'

She let go off me and, to my great surprise, merely smiled.

'I know. Thanks for that.'

I frowned. 'But you said you were better off not knowing the truth ?'

'Yeah, I said so. But you were smart enough to know I was wrong.'

As I kept frowning, she went on.

'I feel horrible right now. But I had to know that. And I'll get used to it. It just takes some time to accept it. But I prefer to know the truth than to ask myself a thousand questions every night without being able to answer them.'

Wow. I was relieved. I had actually done something right ?

'So you're not mad at mom ?'

Ever since that conversation, Jill had spent all the time avoiding mom and Katie. She never ate at home anymore, and when she wasn't outside she just locked herself in her room. Katie didn't dare to talk to her, but my mom did. And when she managed to say something to her, Jill either didn't answer, or spit all her anger at her.

'No. I mean yes, sort of. But she's my mom, Jenny. I still love her in spite of what she did. I'm telling you, it's gonna take me some time to go back to normal, but I'm not gonna be mad at mom forever.'

I nodded. Technically, she was not her mother. But I guess she didn't care about that. Because she was the one who had raised her since she was a little girl, and no matter what science said, I assumed she couldn't consider Katie as her mother.

'What about Katie ?' I said. She smiled.

'I'm mad at her. But it's different. I don't know if I can go back to normal with her. Anyway be sure I'll never call her mom.'

There was an awkward silence, after which she said :

'Hey, why are we talking about me ? You're concerned too. How do you feel about all that ?'

I didn't answer at first : I was not Jill, my life hadn't just collapsed. I had learned Jill wasn't my sister, but my mom was still my mom and Katie was still a woman with whom I had no real relationship. And beside this, I had Jeremy, and I had the cheerleaders, and I had my new popularity at school... I couldn't feel bad. My life had actually just turned great. And maybe, if there was a part of me that felt broken, I couldn't tell my sister, because her situation was worse than mine.

It was true, I couldn't complain.

I had started training with the cheerleaders, and I loved it. I had made a lot of new friends : all the cheerleaders, but also their friends, the guys from the football team, and even people who just knew me and who came to talk to me in the corridors. I was never alone. Everywhere I went, there was someone I knew. I had suddenly become really popular. Me, Jenny, the girl who had always had a problem with boys, was now the center of attention, and several times I surprised boys I didn't know –sometimes handsome ones- looking at me. Tyler was often around me, and I wasn't sure how to take it : I liked him, as a friend, but when he was getting a bit close I always had a flash of Jeremy and actually felt bad about it. For the first time since I had met Jeremy, there was something I didn't dare to tell him.