We Can Be Mended (Divergent fanfic)

Chapter 18

(Tris)
Johanna and Tobias are discussing our plans, but I am not really listening. I switched off a while back after she agreed to help us. I find it hard to concentrate for long nowadays before the swirling cloud of darkness in my head starts dragging me down into the pit of memories locked away at the back of my mind. The only thing keeping me from tipping over the edge is the feeling of Tobias's strong fingers gripping mine. I don't know what I would do without him. The expanding black hole in my mind would have swallowed me long ago if not for him - I am sure of it. Distantly I hear my name being called, but I am too far gone - drowning in my darkest thoughts. The only thing I can focus on is the tray of needles on Johanna's desk. The Orange liquid of simulation serum swimming in each one, waiting for the sharp point to be plunged into my neck so that the serum which has tormented me for years can flood my veins once again. I can already feel the sharp prick of the metal syringe piercing my skin-
"Tris!"
I blink and the scene before me changes. I glance again at the desk in front of me. A pot of pens, a file, some papers. No needles. I shake my head. It must just be the exhaustion, I will feel better after a good night's sleep. That or I'm going crazy - the last six years of torture finally catching up with me.
I glance at Tobias, his eyes bearing into me with such deep rooted concern that my heart aches for him. I want to smile at him, to take his hand and kiss him. I want to reassure him that I am fine, that we will be safe now. I want to tell him that once Johanna sorts this mess out and has these people arrested then we can get on with the life that we were meant to start six years ago. Every fibre in my body aches to tell him this. But it would be a lie. So much has happened since we planned to start that life together. We can never truly go back. And after everything that has happened between us, everything that I have put him through, he at least deserves the truth.
Instead I just squeeze his hand again and try to listen.
"I am going to talk to some of the people I can trust," Johanna begins when she is sure that she has my attention, "I'll get some police out looking for these people, whoever they are. We cannot make a big thing out of this though. If these people really are as powerful as you claim, then they could be anywhere. For all we know, they could be working here in this government. We need to be careful, only tell people about this if it is absolutely necessary. We work on a need to know basis until the people who did this to you are locked up. For good." The passion in her voice is touching, she clearly cares about this. I am not under the illusion that she cares about me, but it is obvious that her and Tobias have developed a close bond from working together so long.
Tobias is still staring at me with those deep blue eyes, so filled with concern. I cannot bear to look at him so I stare at a spider scuttling across the wall in the far corner of the room.
"In the meantime, we will go to Evelyn's house," he tells me.
"Really?" I ask incredulously. He told me about how they repaired their relationship and that they are almost close now. But that still doesn't reassure me that going to live with her is a good idea. For starters, she hates me. And as much as I want to get along for Tobias's sake, I can't say the feelings not mutual.
Tobias hesitates, "I know you two... never got on all that well," he sighs, "but it's our only option. The first place these people will check is at each of our friend's houses and we only put them in danger by telling them. I can't ask any of them to risk their life for us. But Evelyn's my mother and David and his guys are less likely to look for us there as they probably don't know yet that we still see each other. Most people still resent Evelyn for her dictatorship, so she tends to keep below the radar in terms of publicity. Few people know she's even back in Chicago."
I nod. He makes a good point, we will be safest with her, but I am still unconvinced about our ability to get on.