Street lights

Safe space

Chapter 11

Beneath the surface things are exploding and changing at increasingly faster rates, this is why there is a strange feeling in the air. We know things will not be the same. Soon we will be suspended in the surreal awe of some intense realizations and choices. I had to leave, I took the clothes I came with and I took Nolu's school uniform. I felt like a thief leaving when he is at work, but if I see him after last night I know I will hurt again and I don't want to feel that hurt. I left the car keys, the cellphones, everything that Dylan bought for me. I took the vest Brydan was wearing when he passed away and that was it. I did however leave him a letter because I knew that I would never see him again, that this chapter of my life would never be mentioned again.

"To Dylan

I love you, I think I loved you too fast and too soon. Maybe that's why when the hard times came, we both didn't know how to comfort each other.

You gave my daughter and I the best two years, and I only had one job; that was not to kill our son. I am sorry, I am really sorry and I cannot keep on pretending like what happened is okay. I understand that you hate me, I hate myself just as much. But we will both heal, maybe stop blaming each other but we would never heal together because we don't know hardship in our Union. We are the couple that believed in unicorns and mermaids.

I ask this from you, to look at the things you want to change without psychological self abuse or self attack. Instead through the lens of curiosity, that's when you'll realize that those four days were a blessing. You didn't do anything wrong Dylan and you need to forgive yourself, unburden yourself because just based on two years with you and those four days. I know you'll make am amazing husband and father.

Just not with me.

Thank you for being you"

I knew I wouldn't be able yo afford Erica primary school, so before I went to fetch Nolu at school I went to apply for her at another school. Then called Marie Stopes to book my appointment. I didn't have a plan but all I knew is I am glad Gloria didn't mind Nolu and I moving in with them. I told everyone to never mention Dylan again, I wanted Nolu to forget this part of our lives.

A month went by without a word from Dylan and I was fine with that, I cried a little less than I did before. The girls at the house respected my privacy but something in me felt the need to punish myself, maybe it was because of the abortion or the loss of my son but I felt empty. So I did it, I decided to work the streets. I took more clients than necessary, each and everyday I had different men fucking me. I would get home and have a line of coke just to keep sane. I detached from everything and everyone, this carried on for another three months that's when Gloria stop booking me.

Gloria"You know my rules about drugs Talitha"

Me"I only do a line every once in a while"

Gloria"I don't care, you are fired "

"The only reason I am keeping you here, is because of Nolu and if you carry on I will get social workers!"

Me"She is my daughter! "

Gloria"And you are mine! But I will not let you ruin your life and not do anything"

Me"You are not my mother!"

Gloria"I am the only mother figure you have!"

"I offered you education and you rejected that!, I wanted better for you and you threw that in my face!"

Me"I never asked you for those things! Ever"

One of the things I would tell my younger self is to watch out for people who create fantasy stories in their mind about you. They will try to coerce to you play along, to be who they believe you are. If you don’t know yourself you might get lost in others distorted projections.