Heartstrings

Snippet 4- She Will Always Be With Me

I live away from my parents in a hostel near my dental college campus. It was the time of our annual college fest which was the only big event that happened in the entire year and so everyone was super excited. The usually drab college entrance was now filled with colors, the posters of various competitions alluring students in. There was something for everyone and the once dull chatter was converted into enthusiastic whispers. I was in my batch's football team. We wanted to win and our team was pretty good but so was the opposing team. The unique thing about our college fest was that even our teachers participated and we were eager to play against them. As our goalkeeper, I had promised everyone that I would give my best. We started practicing every day trying to improve our performance. It was a happy time, we didn't get to play football often, and we all loved playing it. The matches were a big thing for all of us and we wanted to win the trophy. The face of the campus had changed, our uniform was replaced with colorful and sometimes funny clothes matching the day's theme. I stood there amidst the chaos looking over my batchmates who were awaiting the events that were taking place in the next few days. Little did I know that my quiet simple life would take a turn.

I got to know that my grandmother was admitted to the hospital. The diagnosis was septic shock with pancreatitis. The infection was severe and would lead to multiorgan failure. My heart collapsed when I heard the news. My grandma is the light of my life. I love her more than anyone in this world. She is the person who made me believe in myself when no one would, she is the person who brought a smile on my face just by talking, she is the person who made me want to be better, she is the person who made me want to push against all obstacles. I love her so much. I would do anything for her.

The words ranged in my ear. I was all alone, suddenly the air around me felt hollow. I gasped for something deep inside me to hold on but caught nothing. I saw her lying in the bed, her chest rising, making efforts to breathe. Everyone was hopeful and expected speedy recovery. As a medical student, I knew she would battle for some days, and then it would be over. I studied everything I could about the disease trying to find hope, trying to find that little ray that would tell me she would be ok, that she would be fine after this, that I would hug her at the end of the battle and she would make me smile again.
The hollowness in my heart kept on increasing. There was happiness all around, people woke up every day excited for what was going to happen and I was dreading every day for what was going to happen. Their loud chatter and happy smiles plunged me deeper into my sorrow. If only someone knew how I felt. But there was no one. I tried to act normal, smiling when a smile was needed and talked when I had to. I tried to focus but by now everything was a blur. I felt empty and the days dragged by.

Matchday arrived the ground was filled with spectators loud cheers boomed on the ground as the match started, we were halfway through the match and the scores were head to head. The opposite team was playing extremely well, I saved goals and my teammates scored but the game was still neck to neck. I got a call from my dad telling me to come to the hospital soon, I looked at my batchmates planning to play the other half. I told him I'll be there soon, I couldn't leave right then, as there was no one to replace me and we would lose. I hung on wishing the match to go on faster. I no longer cared who won; I was willing the seconds to go faster. I could hardly focus but I still stopped goals. The match ended. We won. I didn't stop to congratulate my batchmates, I didn't even say goodbye, I rushed to the hospital without even bothering to change my clothes.

I ran towards her, her face was ashen, it was a sight that made my heartache. Various tubes ran in and out of her small body piercing holes in her frail skin. The machine beside her was beeping rhythmically. She lay there in her plain clothes willing her body to function and I went and sat by her side. Tears dripped from my eyes as I saw her state, my beloved grandma fighting for her life. I stood there feeling helpless. Her body was weak but her eyes were headstrong, shining bright, she held my hand and squeezed lightly. Even at that moment, I felt her strength. I felt her touch comforting me in a way no one else could.

Everyone was still hopeful but I knew the infection was getting severe. I didn't say it out loud because I didn't want to disrupt the positivity in the room. I wished for a miracle, I prayed and prayed to hope the god above would see how much loved her and he would give her back to me after hearing my desperate cries. I spent the night there, glancing at her remembering all the moments when she played with me when I was a child. How she made treats for me. The endless times when she understood me when no one else could. The time when her smile made my day, the times when she taught me valuable lessons of life through her stories and through her actions. The morning came and I glanced at her again before leaving, it was the last time I saw her breathing. That evening my beloved grandma passed away.

It was all too much. My family was In never-ending sorrow. For days I was plunged in sadness all the while hearing comforting words from my peers and parents. I felt like some part of me was taken away forcibly. The ache in my heart never dulled even for a moment. Her memories swirled in my head and I wished that this was just a nightmare except it was not. She was gone. I knew she had battled it with all she had I wanted her back but she was gone, forever. I would never see her smiling again. I would never see her laughing again. Everyone said it would get better with time but I disagreed, how could it get better? How would it get better when I had lost someone so valuable?

I don't think it has got any better even now, I miss her, I really do. But now I feel differently. A part of me has gone with her, and a part of her will still live on with me. She gives me strength every time I struggle, and I will strive for every moment of my life to make her proud. She will always be within me. I hope heaven exists because I hope that someday I will join her and we could have laughed together again forever.

Now it's been over a year that she is gone now but it still feels like yesterday. I wish I was able to give her one last hug, the one which she had mastered over the years, one that had so often given my tears a reason to change into something else. If only she knew how much I miss her memory even today. Today, I wish I could borrow her shoulders to keep my head, I wish I could kiss her cheeks and tell her everything I never said instead of writing these words that she would never read. I just wish I could find the words to define these feelings of mine with the beauty that was half as perfect as she was. Anyway, it's not about my wishes, it's about how difficult it is to love you from afar. Well, I hope she is having fun up there. And she is remembering to be as lively as she has always been. Down here, we will all keep her in our prayers and think of the countless reasons she has given us to call happiness our own. Will keep missing her and still love her, always the more, never the less.
‌

- Atharva Joshi

************************************
Losing someone close to us is never easy. It hurts and we struggle, especially when we see them fighting. I wanted to give his story justice and I hope I did. I can only imagine his pain and heartbreak. She must have been a wonderful woman. She will always be with you.

Thank you so much for giving me this opportunity to share your pain and to talk about someone so dear to you. I hope it finds its way to someone who needs it. Thank you for being brave for share this with us.

Lastly, I would love even more memories form you all. Doesn't matter how big or small it is. All you have to do is post on my wall or message me. Love you all.