First There Was You

Chapter 3: Greyson

June 12

Doe Island, Lake Muskoka, Muskoka

Slamming the boathouse door, I pound across the dock towards my boat, my bare feet burning on the hot surface of the wood. Anger flows through my veins at the unfairness of it all.

My best friend is dying, no matter how he tries to reassure us, and I've got a fucking front-row seat. There is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I literally watch him fade, and I can see his hope dimming, being replaced by a grim, stoic acceptance.

I can also see the longing in his eyes every time I visit. His yearning for anything and everything outside the four walls of his hospital room.

How the hell was I supposed to lose Liam? We've been best friends since we were six, but near to inseparable since we started hockey together at nine. We've been on all the same teams since then.

Only a few of us know the reason why Liam's parents pulled him out of school in December last year. Typically, it's impossible to keep secrets in a school like ours, where gossip serves as the lifeblood of the student body. Still, somehow, only a handful of people knew what was going on, and Liam preferred it that way.

His girlfriend Sam, of course, and our other two best friends, Ryan and Theo, were included in the select group, as was Hud, who plays the goaltender position on the hockey team at school. I know Hud's told Elle, but that's as far as it's gone. Since our parents are all friends, naturally, they know. After that, it's only a few teachers and Coach.

Coach shuts down gossip around the subject immediately, stating Liam's out with an injury at a specialized school and sports recovery facility, which is believable. His getting injured is what led to the damned diagnosis in the first place.

Then, in an away game, Liam took a hard hit, breaking his arm, leaving his body black and blue for weeks. Our school physiotherapist was alarmed that his arm didn't heal correctly, the bruises weren't fading as they should, which prompted Coach to call his family.

Everything moved quickly after that. Then, we got the news; Liam had late-stage leukemia. He was immediately pulled out of school, starting an aggressive course of treatment.

For a while, doctors, family, friends, we were all hopeful. Liam tolerated the treatments well, remained optimistic, engaged, fully committed to the battle ahead.

I've spent the morning with Ryan and Sam. She'd come up for just the night, to bring some things back down to the hospital that would make the room feel homier.

Liam glosses over the tough stuff with us. He insists that he's fine, fighting the good fight, but seeing Sam changes everything. It's been five days since I've been down to see Liam, and the difference I see in Sam blows me away.

She's losing weight, her skin is pale, her eyes are tired and sad. When I asked her about Liam this morning, she fell apart. I get the feeling this is more serious than Liam lets on, and what Sam told me this morning certainly shocked me.

Now, it's a different picture. The leukemia cells are in his spine, his brain. The next course of treatments will be purely experimental, and while Liam's putting on a good front, I now understand what I saw in his eyes the last time I visited. The desire to let go.

It's the first time I've considered the possibility that he won't beat this. It's hitting me like a truck to the chest. A head-on collision at full speed. The tightness takes my breath away, and for a moment, panic floods through me.

The tightness and panic have been recurring, unwelcome emotions more and more these past weeks. Both fear and regret rear up their ugly heads, gripping my throat and pummeling my chest until I can barely stand, or breathe.